Vivio's Happy Family Magical Theater
by DezoPenguin
Summary: A collection of various shorts and longer omakes that I've posted on the AnimeSuki forums. Pretty much purely random gag stuff.
1. How Reputations are Made

The giant hammer, its head ten feet long and four across, its tip a spinning drill, reared up in the sky.

"Limit Break!" shouted the petite redhead holding the handle. The hammer head rose and fell three times, popping out spent cartridges. "Destruction Hammer!"

The blonde teenager facing her grinned, her heterochromatic red and green eyes alight with the joy of battle. "Parisfal! Now!"

The vambrace on her upper right arm ratcheted up and down three times of its own, spitting out brass. The jeweled setting flickered royal blue.

"_**Stahl-Festung**_!"

Irresistible force met immovable object. The ultimate magical attack of the Iron Hammer Knight, Vita, collided with the ultimate magical defense of her student, Takamachi Vivio. The resulting explosion was deafening, a blaze of white light blotting out everything.

When the dust cleared, they lay at opposite ends of a thirty-foot crater blown in the training ground surface. Shaking her head to clear the cobwebs, Vivio tried to stand but a searing pain in her lower right leg made her sit back down.

"Oh, man," she groaned, then raised her voice. "Hey, Vita-sensei, can you give me a hand? I think I broke my tibia again."

"You're getting slack, kid. I keep telling you not to brace off your back foot like that when you're taking a hit that might get through."

"Sorry." It was a bad habit and she knew it.

"I'll be there in a sec."

Vita wobbled her way over.

"Can you pop my shoulders back in?"

"_Both_?"

"Hey, that shield of yours gives as good as it gets."

Vivio smiled at the compliment.

"Okay." Vita extended her arms; Vivio took them, braced her good foot in Vita's belly to hold her body in place, and yanked. There was an audible pop and both shoulder joints slipped back into place. That done, Vita helped Vivio stand up and let the taller girl put an arm around her for support.

"We," Vita summed it up, "are a mess." She smiled and added, "Nice fight, kid."

"Thanks, sensei." Vivio smiled back. They really were two of a kind, she thought, Belkan mage-knights and close-combat specialists, though their particular approaches to battle were almost mirror images. Vita came on like a relentless machine, crushing anything stupid enough to get in her way, while Vivio put herself in her enemy's path and let them shatter themselves on her shield walls. They'd been mentor and pupil for five years. Better than that, they were friends.

At the entrance to the training ground, they passed five white-shirted privates, there for their own morning training session, who watched them with stunned faces. Clearly they'd seen most of the mock battle on the monitor screens.

"Go get the car, willya?" Vita asked. "And call up Shamal and tell her she'll need to patch us up again?"

"Why me?"

"She'll give you less grief over it."

"All right."

Vita handed her Graf Eisen and Vivio hobbled off, using the warhammer as a makeshift cane.

"I...is that the kind of thing we'll be learning, ma'am?" one of the braver recruits dared to ask.

Vita shook her head.

"Nah, I'm strictly the second string as a teacher. You'll be studying under Nanoha. She's way harder than I am, but she's the kid's mom, so she was afraid she'd pull her punches. Hey, Vivio, you building that car from scratch?"

"In a minute! You want to try driving a stick shift with a broken leg?"

"Sure, if they'd put the pedals where someone my size can reach."

A quarter of an hour later, a thirty-year-old brunette walked up to the training grounds, her white uniform shirt and blue skirt crisp and neatly pressed, a sunny smile on her face.

"Good morning!" she greeted her fresh class of recruits. "My name is Takamachi Nanoha, and I'm going to be the combat instructor for—" She broke off her speech, not wanting to talk over the screams the sound of her name had triggered, and surveyed the damage. Three students had fainted outright while the other two cringed in horror against the far wall. A rising acrid stench told Nanoha that a loss of bladder control had hit at least one, probably more. She hung her head and sighed.

"Mou, Vivio, do you have to do this to _every_ new class?"

~X X X~

_A/N: Just wait until she finds out what they did to the training ground! German translations again courtesy of my own brutal ignorance and Google._


	2. Do as Your Mother Would Do

_A/N: This was originally going to be the "Vivio's Magical Omake Theater!" segment for "How Reputations Are Made." When that became a separate posted omake by itself, well, so did this._

~X X X~

The truck hurtled through the streets at a ridiculous pace, scattering pedestrians.

"Vivio, you've got to stop it before it gets within the administrative office's grid!" General Hayate's voice was urgent but under control. "If that AMF gets triggered, it'll fry every computer system in HQ, including the backups."

"But...but I don't know any long-range shooting magics to stop it!" protested the twelve-year-old.

"You're the only mage with a chance to do _anything_ before it gets in range. Pretend you're Fate-mama and get creative!"

_Get creative?_ Vivio thought. _What can I do to stop a truck like this without shooting it?_

"Parsifal!" she commanded her device as she flew ahead of the truck and dropped to the street a block in front of it.

"_**Panzer Modus.**_" it answered obediently, and Vivio's Barrier Jacket switched from lightly-armored Valkyrie Mode back to its standard armor mode. The truck barreled onwards, its robotic drivers uncaring of the figure in its path.

"Load cartridge," Vivio ordered. Parsifal locked and ejected two spent shells, enhancing the power of the magic to come. The triangular rune of Belkan magic formed beneath the girl's feet.

"_**Eisenschild**_."

The hurtling vehicle hit her barrier at eighty miles per hour, four tons of metal slamming into the child's magical defenses.

It didn't stand a chance.

Unfortunately, Vivio hadn't _quite_ calculated what the head-on collision would do to the truck.

Or to its cargo of outlawed munitions.

Luckily the evacuation order had cleared the two buildings on either side of the road, or else there might have been casualties in the inferno.

"Um..." Vivio reported. "I...stopped it."

Hayate observed the obliterated truck, the massive crater in the street, and the structural damage to the adjoining buildings, then dropped her head to her desk with a clunk.

"Vivio..."

"Yes, General Hayate?"

"_Wrong mama!_"


	3. What's In a Name Anyway?

_A/N: This is the kind of thing that happens when I spend too much time in the shower. I start asking myself questions about characters, and their powers, and their ranks, and their uniforms, and what the heck the org structure of the TSAB military is...and sometimes the answers that come back are just...well, you'll see._

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Fate bought two skewers of chicken yakitori and handed one to Nanoha. The women nibbled happily as they walked down the street.

"There's one thing I don't really get about this TSAB thing, Fate-chan," Nanoha said between bites.

"Considering that you're a captain in their air force, you probably shouldn't have too many questions," Fate replied, grinning.

"Actually, it's more of a Navy question. I mean, seriously, what kind of rank is Enforcer, anyway?"

Fate blinked.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, just _listen_ to it. It sounds like the kind of title you'd hear for the chief troops of an evil overlord in an RPG or something. You know, like they'd wear these giant suits of armor, with just a little tinge of rust to hint at blood, covered in spikes and engravings of skeletons...or maybe just these cool, menacing black outfits that..."

Her voice trailed off as she glanced at Fate, noting her black uniform.

"W-well, anyway, you know, and they'd have some really evil-looking weapon, something designed to intimidate and strike fear instead of being efficient for combat. Like a giant spiked club, maybe, or an axe with a cruel-looking, twisty head, or maybe even a giant Grim Reaper's scythe or..."

She broke off again, thinking of Bardiche.

"Yes?" Fate asked, burgundy eyes the color of old blood glinting merrily.

"Fate-chan, you...never stopped being a bad guy, did...you...?"

"Nope!" Fate said cheerily. "After all, it's called 'befriending,' not 'begooding,' right, sweetie?" She leaned over and gave Nanoha a quick peck on the cheek. "But really, it's so cute of you to not notice!"


	4. Like Mother Like Daughter

_A/N: RadiantBeam, who, bless her, is a fan of my "Vivio's Magical Omake Theater!" segments that I tack on to the end of my longer Nanoha fics, requested that I write an omake segment for "Never Been Kissed," showing Nanoha and Fate spying on Vivio during this story._

_She may regret that I said yes. I mean, this can't possibly help her bunny problems..._

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Fate T. Harlaown was about to walk out onto her patio when a hand shot out from the kitchen door, grabbed the back of her shirt, and hauled her sideways. A second hand clamped over her mouth, stifling the Enforcer's cry of surprise. She relaxed almost at once as she recognized the touch of those hands and the body she'd been pulled up against.

_Nanoha, so bold!_ she telepathically teased her wife.

_Sorry; I just didn't want you to barge in on Vivio._

_Vivio? I thought she was just chatting with Lutecia?_

_Nyahaha..._ Even mentally, Nanoha's laugh was distinctive. _Take a look._

The two women peeked around the corner into the back yard where their adopted daughter sat beneath a tree next to her slightly older friend. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, until Fate started listening to what they were saying.

"They've never been kissed before. They don't know how to do it right."

"...What, and I do?"

"You don't?" Vivio teased.

"Okay, last question. Why me?"

_Wait. Are they talking about...?_

_Uh-huh! Vivio wants a kiss! Our daughter's finally growing up._

_Isn't Lutecia a little old for her, though?_

_It's only four years, Fate-chan. When she's forty and Vivio is thirty-six it won't matter in the least!_

_...Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself?_ Fate thought.

_Oh! Oh, I think she's going in for the kill!_

"I thought, since you're my best friend, if anyone was going to give me my first kiss, it would be you."

_Aha! The "best friend" ploy!_ crowed Nanoha.

_That's so trite._

_Hey, it worked on you, didn't it?_

_Only because I'd been wanting to kiss you for months and hadn't had the guts to say so._

_Oh, look, they're doing it!_

Their lips pressed together, sweetly, almost chastely, like a scene out of a girls' school romance from Nanoha's homeworld. It was a charming and romantic moment, full of nostalgia for the two women.

At least until Vivio went for the tongue.

_What!?_ Nanoha exclaimed. _Our little girl! How dare Lutecia-chan use her like this--_ She was about to rush out in overprotective mother mode, but Fate hooked her collar, jerking her to a stop.

_As I recall, you did the exact same thing for our first kiss, so like mother, like daughter._

Nanoha sighed.

_I...guess I can't argue with that..._

_Now come on; let's give them some privacy. They don't need us spying while they start talking about their feelings._ Still holding on to Nanoha's collar, Fate started dragging her away from the patio door.

_Hey, I thought we were grilling out tonight!_

_It can wait. Besides, by the time they're done talking, I'll have worked you up an appetite._


	5. Birthday Heart

_A/N: I've done NanoFate crack, I've done Vivio crack, and I've even done crack-fics based on someone else's fics. But as yet, I haven't written any crack-fics for my third major series. Time for that to change._

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_

"Let's see...mother...daughter...sister...grandmother...aunt..." Yuuno Scrya murmured aloud as he looked through the shop's selection of birthday cards in the "For Her" rack.

"Hey, ferret-boy!"

"Hi, Chrono." Yuuno didn't even bother looking up. Chrono Harlaown was the only person who routinely called him "ferret-boy."

"Shopping for Fate's birthday."

"Niece...cousin...granddaughter...Yes, I am. It's next week, after all."

Chrono reached out and plucked a card from the "sister" column.

"Not having any luck?"

"Friend...sister-in-law...daughter-in-law...mother-in-law..." He groaned and straightened up. "No, I'm not. I don't want to get her something generic, though."

"That's a librarian for you. Everything's got to be properly labeled and put in its proper place. Just buy a generic card and write the message on the envelope."

Yuuno shook his head.

"It's not like that. I just don't want to do something to offend her, or even to look like I was doing a slapdash, last-minute job of shopping. It hasn't even been a year since the wedding, after all."

"Geez, Yuuno, Fate's not going to take it like that."

"I know, but we're just starting to find our footing in this relationship, you know? I don't want to make a mistake that could damage things."

"I guess I can see that. I remember tiptoeing around stuff a lot as a newlywed."

Yuuno sighed and straightened up. "Excuse me, miss?" he called to the shop clerk.

"Yes, sir?"

"Do you have any birthday cards for a wife-in-law?"

She gave him a completely blank stare.

"Excuse me, sir? A..._wife_-in-law?"

"We figured if his wife's brother is a brother-in-law, then his wife's wife should be a wife-in-law," Chrono explained. "Is there some other term for it?"


	6. Who Let Bardiche Surf the Web?

The good thing about mechanical enemies, as far as Enforcer Fate T. Harlaown was concerned, was that there was no need to hold back. Capture and arrest were not the goals; she could freely attack with lightning as well as purely magic damage.

The down side was that the enemies were rarely programmed for capture, either.

Four close-combat drones, vaguely humanoid, covered in reflective physical and barrier armor, wielding clawlike energy blades at the end of their six articulated arms, swarmed after her like ants on sugar. They'd taken down her aide Teana Lanster already, and the orange-haired girl could only watch, half-conscious, as Fate strove to hold the mechs off.

Fate's Device, Bardiche, was in his Riot Zanber form, two four-foot beam swords connected by a glowing cable. Fate's skill was dizzying; she attacked and parried with a speed and awareness of her position that showed off why she was the Bureau's premier close-combat expert. Several severed limbs already twitched and sparked on the floor. But not even Fate could keep up such a pace forever. A blade crashed into her stomach; her Barrier Jacket stopped it from penetrating, but it still drove the breath out of her. More hits followed, hits with purpose. The left sword was jarred from her hand, then a moment later the right followed. Without Bardiche she'd be helpless; she made a desperate grab and managed to catch the tether by its center.

"**Sonic Move.**"

It was Bardiche that acted; magic surged through Fate and she spun the blades, the astonishing speed of her Sonic Move imparting tremendous velocity to Bardiche, converting the swords into a spinning disk that shredded whatever it hit. Fate was quick to keep going, and by the time the hilts slapped into her hands twenty seconds later, there was nothing left of the robots but scrap metal for the forensics squad to analyze.

"Wow!" Tia gasped, struggling to her feet. "I've never seen fighting moves like that before!"

"Me, either," Fate said. "Bardiche started it and I just went along. What _was_ that, Bardiche?"

"**Sword-chucks, yo, sir.**"


	7. Dating Evil Fate

_A/N: This is a sequel to what became the third chapter of VHFMT, "What's in a Name, Anyway?" Having come to the sudden realization that her significant other has, in fact, been an elite officer of the Interdimensional Forces of Evil (tm) all along and that she was just too thick to notice, Nanoha now has to decide what she's going to do about it..._

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"I just can't believe it," Nanoha stammered. Clearly, the Ace of Aces was having difficulty adapting to the idea that her treasured Fate-chan was apparently as much of a Minion of Evil as when they'd met ten years ago. "How did I miss this? Why didn't anybody _tell_ me the TSAB was an oppressive regime ruling the dimensions with an iron fist?"

"We all thought you knew," Fate answered helplessly. "I mean, why else did you think they let me off after my trial without punishment? Good pre-trained recruits are hard to find!"

"But...but...what about when we saved Hayate and stopped the Book of Darkness? Or the whole incident with Jail Scaglietti? I mean, we were heroes...weren't we?"

"Do you realize what letting whole worlds get blown up does to your tax base? What's so heroic about efficient resource management? And...just because we're not _nice_ doesn't mean we're _crazy_."

"Mou..."

"Should I have Yuuno find you a copy of that Evil Overlord List from the Infinite Library?"

"Fate-chan!" Nanoha wailed.

"Nanoha..." Fate reached out a hand to her, but Nanoha flinched back.

"I...I'm sorry, Fate-chan. I just need some time..."

"I'm still the same person I've always been, Nanoha. I really do love you."

"I know, I just..." She shook her head, then turned and ran off, leaving a stricken Fate standing in the street, staring after her with glistening eyes.

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Fate sighed heavily as the door to the apartment she and Nanoha shared slid open. It had been a very long afternoon; reducing one's beloved to tears over lunch could do that to a day. Oddly, she noticed that the lights were on, but dimmed to around thirty percent.

"Nanoha? Are you home?"

"Mmmmf."

The sound was muffled and came from the bedroom. It wasn't a crying-into-the-pillow kind of sound; maybe she'd fallen asleep and Fate's arrival had woken her up. _At least she hasn't moved out_, Fate thought with relief, and followed the sound. When she reached the door, she stopped in her tracks, mouth sagging open.

Nanoha lay spread-eagled on the bed, the light of the dozen or so candles burning around the room painting her skin bronze. A great deal of that skin was revealed, because all she wore besides a strategically ripped camisole were lengths of crimson silk cord tied in intricate patterns across her body and securing her ankles to the bedposts. The muffled voice had been because she had another length of cord between her teeth; it was tying her wrists together and to the headboard and she was using her mouth to tighten off the last knot.

"N-Nanoha?"

The Ace of Aces gave her head one last twist, pulling the cord tight, then spat it out.

"Hi, Fate-chan!"

"What are you doing?"

Nanoha blinked.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm the innocent maiden kept at the mercy of the cruel Enforcer, who's going to use my nubile young body to satisfy all of her perverse lusts!"


	8. Clearly Parenting Had an Effect

_A/N: Like Chapter 4 of VHFMT, this omake is a side-story requested by RadiantBeam giving Nanoha and Fate's perspective on the events of one of her Lutecia/Vivio stories. This one is the "back side" to "Never Confessed." Vivio and Lutecia's lines are quoted from there._

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"Vivio."

"...But I guess that's how love works, you know, so I hope you guys are happy together and..."

"Vivio! Will you just be quiet for a minute and let me talk."

_That can't be the best way to start a confession_, Takamachi Nanoha thought.

_There's no point in saying something if the other person isn't listening,_ Fate T. Harlaown replied telepathically. A hint of a long-suffering sigh could be heard in her mental "voice."

_Hey, are you saying that I don't listen, Fate-chan?_ Apparently Nanoha had heard the sigh.

_Let's just say that "like mother, like daughter" isn't just an old wives' tale and leave it at that._

_Says my old wife,_ Nanoha shot back and stuck out her tongue at Fate.

The two of them were clustered at the patio door, looking out at where their adopted daughter Vivio was about to come to some kind of romantic resolution with her best friend Lutecia Alpine. Since Lutecia was four years older, she'd been ducking the question for two years now, but Fate had a feeling she was finally going to get to the point. Fate thought it was terribly romantic, the subtle dance of emotions, the heart pushing one way while fear pushed the other.

"...I'm...in love with someone. And...I feel like I shouldn't be in love with them."

_Argh! Why can't she just come out and say it!_

On the other hand, Nanoha thought subtlety in relationships was extremely overrated.

"Why don't you tell me about the person, Cia? Maybe...maybe I can help," Vivio said hesitantly.

_Geez, Vi, can't you tell she means you?_

_Romantic subtlety is clearly not her strong suit._

_Mou, are you going to do nothing but make fun of me?_

Fate ruffled Nanoha's hair. Their byplay made them miss Lutecia's response, but whatever it was seemed to have won Vivio's approval, because she all but tackled Lutecia to the ground, kept up only because Lutecia braced herself.

"Ne, Cia..."

"Hmm?"

"Kiss me?"

Fate had to jam the back of her hand into her mouth to keep from laughing out loud. Shoulders shaking, she was laughing so hard inside she couldn't even continue teasing her wife. Nanoha, nonetheless, got the point.

_All right, that does it!_

Nanoha spun to Fate, grabbed her by the shoulders, and shoved her up against the kitchen wall. She pulled Fate's hand down and ruthlessly replaced it with her own mouth, which proceeded to--_kiss_ didn't quite cover it; words like _ravage_ or _plunder_ might have been more accurate. Her hands closed around Fate's wrists, pinning the blonde's arms to the wall above her head, while her thigh pressed hard up against the juncture of Fate's legs. When at last she let go, Fate was still shaking, but not from laughter, and Nanoha had a look of smug self-satisfaction on her face.

_Okay, so...a lack of subtlety...can be good,_ Fate managed to say.

_I thought you'd come around to my side of--what the hell?_

Fate glanced out the window to see what had cut off Nanoha's crow of victory. While Vivio wasn't displaying quite her mother's level of...enthusiasm...she did seem to be trying to make up the two years she'd went since last kissing Lutecia all in one afternoon.

"Raising Heart, connect me to the TSAB legal database," Nanoha snapped aloud. "I'm going to give Miss Alpine there a lesson on Mid-Childa's age-of-consent laws she won't forget until she's ninety!"

Fate sighed.

"Really, I don't see why everybody wants to see _me_ cross-dress, Nanoha. _You_ are totally the dad in this family."


	9. More Fun to Swing That Way Together

_A/N: Like the first Evil!Fate story, the idea for this one came to me in the shower. It's entirely possible that I should be required to take baths instead from now on. The weird thing here is that, while the story itself is a pure gag, this is actually what rattles around the back of my head about everybody's romantic possibilities. And thanks are due TheShinySword for "Hayate's Lesbian Army."  
_

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_

Homecomings were nice, Fate thought. The one good thing about extended deployments was how good it felt to be back among family again, the people that loved her for herself and knew that letting Fate cook the dinner for her own welcome-home party was actually a kindness, since she hadn't been able to take care of anyone during those long months away and, when push came to shove, taking care of the people she loved was Fate's favorite thing. Smiling, she lifted her wineglass and offered a toast.

"To family," she said. Five glasses and a mug of caramel milk clinked against hers.

"To family," Nanoha, Vivio, Hayate, Yuuno, Chrono, and Shamal echoed.

It was, of course, Chrono who shot down the heartwarming. Being Fate's elder brother, it was pretty much his job.

"And to the safe return of the only actual lesbian in Hayate's Lesbian Army."

Reactions varied widely to that remark. Hayate just laughed, of course. Vivio got an intense interest in her dinner plate--her mothers' sex lives were not a comfortable subject for a fifteen-year-old, or really any other age person. Yuuno got that look that said he _wanted_ to laugh but didn't dare in case the women were offended. Shamal glared at Chrono. Nanoha gave suggestive eyebrow-lifts at Fate, and Fate became a stammering, blushing mess.

"What?" Chrono asked. "You didn't know that's what they called Riot Force 6 at HQ? Half the staff figured Hayate was trying to cherry-pick all the hottest cuties for a future harem."

"I'm sure Amy would be _fascinated_ to hear about her husband's line of speculation," Shamal threatened. That would have been enough to kill the topic had Hayate not asked a question.

"That _can't_ be right. There's no way Fate was the _only_ one, is there?"

Yuuno crinkled his brow.

"No, I think you're right, Hayate," he agreed.

"No way," Chrono countered.

"We could go through it one by one," Nanoha observed.

"Um...do we _have_ to?" Fate said plaintively.

"Yes," Hayate declared. "This is a military housing residence within Cranagan City, and as of last week I'm the Capital City Defense Force Commander so it's an order: we're going to figure this out."

Shamal glanced at Vivio.

"Do you know who brought this wine?"

"I may never take up alcohol, with these examples."

Hayate banged on her plate with her spoon.

"Less backtalk; we need to finish up in time."

Fate didn't ask "in time for what?" She wasn't the TSAB's top Enforcer for nothing...that, and the hand Nanoha had dropped onto her thigh was a big clue.

"Fate: out and proud," declared Chrono. "That's one, and I defy you to come up with anyone else."

"Nanoha and I are bi," Hayate said. "Erio only likes girls, but he's a guy, so no luck there..."

"Caro was too young at the time. Maybe that's what confused Chrono?" Yuuno suggested.

"Nope. Boringly straight and even more boringly in love with Erio. You can't even tease her."

"Add me to the 'boring' list," noted Shamal.

"Which one?" Nanoha asked.

"Both."

Jaws dropped around the table.

"_Whaaaat?_" everyone chorused. "You have a _guy_?"

Well, everyone but Vivio. She just grinned.

"Ha! That's twenty Vita-sensei owes me!"

"Twenty what?" Fate asked.

"I bet her that Shamal would spill to everyone before Zaffy did."

"_Zafira!?_" the chorus rang out again.

"I wouldn't touch that one with a ten-foot pole," Chrono said.

"Well, not ten _feet_, but--" Shamal started, eyes glinting evilly.

"Oh, God, you win! Just get. That. Picture. Out. Of. My. Head."

"Actually, he's pretty ripped in human form, and the tail's cute," Nanoha observed. "You go, girl!"

"He's..." Chrono began. "Oh...oh! Okay, that's better."

"Geez, niichan, what were you thinking?" Fate said, then cuffed him on the back of his head because she knew very well what he'd been thinking.

"Speaking of the loser of twenty," Yuuno quickly moved along, "what about Vita?"

Hayate shook her head.

"Non-applicable."

"Vita's permanently frozen before sexual maturity," Shamal elaborated. "She can't have meaningful feelings of purely physical attraction, so her 'sexuality' per se isn't an issue."

"That's sad," Nanoha said.

"You can't miss what you've never wanted," her daughter pointed out.

"What about Signum?"

"What _about_ Signum, Yuuno?" Hayate asked.

"She was part of RF6. Is she a lesbian?"

They all looked at one another, it steadily dawning that most of them had known Signum for twenty years and had no idea whatsoever who or what she might have a romantic interest in.

"Okay, we file that under 'hell if we know' and move on," Hayate at last decided.

"Tia?"

"At the very least open to guys, if you believe Vice," Yuuno reported.

"Third-party testimony," Nanoha countered. "Verrrry suspect, Yuuno-kun. And just what were you doing listening to that kind of story?"

"The same thing I'm doing right now, apparently," he observed correctly.

"It's true," Fate said. "Tia was my aide for a while and I got the same story from her."

"Shari?" Hayate asked, downing another glass of wine.

"Now you're really reaching," Chrono chortled. "The bridge crew?"

"You _married_ your bridge crew, niichan."

Chrono wisely shut up.

"But you're right," Fate admitted. "By the way, she had me bring wedding invitations for everybody. She thought hand-delivery might give a personal touch."

"Blast it, who's _left_?" Hayate exclaimed. "Rein doesn't count...hah! Vivio, what about you?"

"Me?"

"C'mon, out with it. You were there."

"I was _five_."

"It counts if you grew up that way, though."

Vivio shook her head.

"Sorry. I'm the clone of the Sankt Kaiser, remember? What kind of religious icon would I be if I discriminated against people based on gender?"

"Damn!"

Chrono leaned back, looking smug.

"Face it, you can go over the list a hundred times, but you'll still come up short."

Yuuno scowled.

"I _know_ we're forgetting someone. Hayate. Shari. Vivio. Nanoha and Fate. The Wolkenritter. Erio and Caro--that's the Lightning forwards. For the Stars forwards, we said Tia..."

His voice trailed off as matching grins spread across Hayate and Nanoha's faces. Seven people looked at one another.

"Oh, yeah!"

"Of course!"

"That's right!"

"Damn it!" That was Chrono.

Then everybody, together:

_"Subaru."_


	10. GAR is Why They Call Her Papa

"They're so competitive," Nanoha said, chuckling.

"I don't get it," Vita agreed. "I mean, you and I like to go at it hard, but it's about mastering techniques, pushing ourselves to be our best like we do for our students. Those two...they just want to _beat_ each other."

Nanoha beamed.

"I know! It's so cute!"

The two they were talking about as well as watching spar from the training field observation booth, were Fate T. Harlaown and the Knight of the Sword, Signum. The two were friends who'd trust each other with their life in genuine battle, but they'd been rivals for all those years, always trying to outdo one another in combat.

"Twenty bucks says Signum wins."

"Confident in your leader, Vita-chan?"

"Last time Fate went for Sonic Form, Signum pinned her to the training field wall with _Sturmfalken_."

"Yeah, Signum-san's Bow Form is pretty powerful. But! Fate-chan said that Bardiche came up with an idea to match her, so you're on."

"_Bardiche_ did?"

"Mmn-hm!"

"Oh, hey, looks like we're going to see it."

They'd gotten through the preliminaries, scythe versus sword, lightning against fire, zanber versus serpent-whip, and Signum had combined her sword Laevatein with its sheath to create the lethal silver bow.

"What's Fate doing?"

"I don't know; I'll zoom in on her, and get some audio."

Nanoha manipulated the controls, and they were greeted with the sight of Fate standing on air, her eyes...closed?

"Overdrive," Fate whispered. "Archery Form."

Fate's body shimmered, and in the next instant her Barrier Jacket shifted form. Her long white cape vanished, suddenly replaced with a bright red longcoat, while her hair turned silver like Reinforce's and her skin became a rich bronze.

"Huh? What's that about?" was Vita's comment, and from the way Fate was looking down at herself, _she_ had even less idea what was going on. Nor did Signum, apparently; the wide-angle view showed her with sagging jaw and dumbfounded expression.

Bardiche, however, at least knew what it was up to.

**"Riot Zanber."**

It loaded a cartridge, then changed into its dual beam-sword form. The hilt rose and fell as three more cartridges were fired off, making all four humans wonder what was about to use up so much mana. In the next instant, a barrier engulfed the two combatants, shifting them to an alternate space-time and out of the audience's ability to view, leaving only Bardiche's voice echoing in their wake.

**"Unlimited Blade Works."**

Nanoha sighed.

"Raising Heart, have you and Bardiche been borrowing Hayate-chan's anime collection again?"

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_A/N: One of Sunder the Gold's reviews for the Sword-Chucks chapter was responsible for this chapter!_


	11. Yuuno Definitely Helped Raise Her

_A/N: This one's in honor of one of Nagumo's translations from SSX (the most recent Nanoha Sound Stage drama CD). Vivio at age 9 being a Maximum Power librarian! Canon is often stranger than fiction..._

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_"Schwableflieger!"_

_**"Panzergeist,"**_ replied Parsifal, eleven-year-old Takamachi Vivio's Device. He sounded almost laconic about it.

Four metal balls arrowed in on her position. Vivio gritted her teeth. _Don't flinch. Don't flinch. Don't flinch,_ she repeated over and over. _Panzergeist_ was a powerful barrier spell, covering her body with a gleaming white aura that would absorb the force of incoming magical and physical attacks. She'd practiced it again and again with Parsifal...

But darn it, the only way to properly test personal defense spells was to cast them and then see if they would really stop the attacks they were meant to stop. Which meant standing there and letting the Iron Hammer Knight, Vita, haul off and pound on her.

She was sort of glad that _Panzergeist_ prevented her from moving. At least she couldn't act on the urge to go flying aside at the last minute.

All four balls smashed against her barrier, detonating in explosive blasts of magical energy. Vivio felt every one strike home...just as if someone had tapped her with a fingertip four times.

"You can open your eyes now, kid."

Vivio hadn't even realized that she'd shut them. Vita descended to the ground next to her.

"Remember, the only reason to use a spell like that is if you're going to come out of it ready with a countermove. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for the other guy. But...nice work on the spell itself." Vita liked to save her compliments for the end of the lecture. She said it distracted people too much when she put them at the front side.

"Thank you, Vita-sensei!"

"No prob. We're done for the day."

"Mode Release, Parsifal."

_**"Jawohl, Meister."**_

In a flash, Vivio's fairly imposing-looking Barrier Jacket of black cloth and blued-steel armor vanished, leaving her an ordinary-seeming child in red shorts and a white T-shirt that featured a cartoon bunny attending a meeting of a shadowy secret society. Her honey-blonde hair was tied up with two blue ribbons. In short, she was cute as a button, at least according to her mamas.

"Thanks, Vita-sensei! I'll practice that tonight."

"Hold up. I found a book in the control room yesterday when we were done. Is it yours?"

"Mmn! I was wondering where I'd left it!"

"Glad I found it then." She handed over the hardbacked volume, which Vivio had put inside a bunny book cover to keep it safe from the kind of scuffing and damage that built up from being carried in a school bag.

"Yeah, it's really good, and I wanted to get it finished so I could start the next one in the series tomorrow."

"Oh, you read series novels?" Vita grinned, obviously imagining her student reading the latest adventure or romance stories for preteens.

"Well...er...not exactly..."

"Come on, fess up. What is it?"

Vivio flipped the book open to its title page and held it out for Vita to read.

"_History and Society of the Belkan Empire, with a Concentration on the Impact of Imperial Economic Policy on Political Structure, Volume IX?!?_"


	12. The White Devil is Scary

_A/N: Every time RadiantBeam writes a Lutecia/Vivio fic, I seem to end up doing a Nanoha/Fate omake for it! This one follows up on her Christmas story, "The Christmas Locket."_

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Nanoha and Fate's Christmas parties were always a big deal, particularly on Mid-Childa, since one was native to Earth and the other was largely raised there. Carols were sung, eggnog and mulled cider flowed freely (often with a little extra help in the mix), goodies were consumed in brazen defiance of diets, and a good time was generally had by all.

And then, of course, were the occasions where a slightly _too-_good time was had by all. Such as when their daughter's girlfriend Lutecia had pulled Vivio in for an exceedingly enthusiastic kiss under the mistletoe.

At first Fate had joined in the cheering and applause. The truth was, she liked Cia, and better yet thought she made a good romantic partner for the reckless and enthusiastic Vivio. That they were still together after dating for nearly a year was a good sign.

After a few seconds of that, though, Fate began nervously looking around for Nanoha, because while her wife had come around to accept that the girls were serious about one another, that didn't mean she had to like it. Given Lutecia and Vivio's four-year age difference, it was important for the "responsible adult" to actually _be_ responsible, and Nanoha was...inclined to suspect otherwise. Despite Nanoha's "White Devil" reputation, Fate wasn't afraid that she would pull out Raising Heart and lower neighborhood property values by Divine Bustering Lutecia into the next time zone. No, a mother-daughter fight, yelling, tears, and slamming doors would be quite enough to thoroughly ruin everyone's Christmas.

Except that when Fate's eyes fell on Nanoha, her wife was smiling and clapping along. She looked positively _smug_.

_...Nanoha?_ Fate hesitantly asked heart-to-heart.

_Yep, it's me. I haven't been taken over by pod people or something._

_Then why are you grinning?_

_Nyahaha...can't I be happy for Vivio?_

_..._

_Okay. They took the trouble to come out of the kitchen and smooch under the mistletoe. That means they're doing it for our benefit--okay, mine. And if they're busy thinking of the audience, they're not getting all hot and bothered from kissing._

_..._

_Okay, _I_ would be, _Nanoha admitted, _but Lutecia hates crowds even when she's not the center of attention._

Fate laughed mentally, conceding the point.

_I guess they have to get up pretty early to put one over on Nanoha-mama._

_You bet! And if Lutecia tries to be a dutiful girlfriend and try her girlfriend's mother's fruitcake, my revenge will be complete!_

_You didn't bake fruitcake. You _hate_ fruitcake._

_I know. It was Shamal!_


	13. Proposal

The setting sun streaked the sky in a myriad of colors, golds and violets and oranges melding together as if painted. But that wasn't why twenty-two-year-old Yuuno Scrya was there. He didn't pause to admire the beautiful scenery revealed by the park's westward view; instead he scanned the park itself, looking for Takamachi Nanoha.

It took a couple of seconds, but Yuuno quickly located the young woman seated on an ornate wooden bench beneath a flowering tree. He went over to her at once.

Nanoha was still wearing her blue and white Air Force combat instructor's uniform, but her long brown hair was unbound from its usual lopsided ponytail that she'd adopted in high school and instead tumbled loosely down her back. He called her name as he approached, and she looked up at him with the same expression of nervous expectancy she'd had when she'd called him at the Infinity Library during lunchtime. Nanoha had said she had something important she wanted to discuss with him, something that she only felt comfortable talking over face-to-face.

It was an odd expression for Yuuno to see Nanoha show. The Ace of Aces, after all, was not known for hesitation or uncertainty.

"Yuuno-kun, I'm glad you came!"

"You said that it was important."

She nodded, then swallowed.

"...Sit with me?"

They sat down on the bench.

"So what is this about, Nanoha?"

Nanoha didn't answer right away. A light breeze stirred their long hair and sent several small white petals drifting down around them from the tree.

"I came to a decision a few days ago, Yuuno-kun," she finally began, not looking at him but up at the sky. "I...want to settle down. I mean, I have a career doing the work that I love, and I've had an adopted child for three years now. I...I think that I held back because of some leftover ideas from Earth that it would mean giving up my full-time work and the things that are important to me." She turned to Yuuno and gave him a little smile. "That I'd be abandoning part of myself, if you know what I mean?"

She looked away and sighed, not unhappily but wistfully.

"But it isn't like that, is it? It's not about sacrificing yourself, but completing it, in finding the things that aren't there and growing into them together. I guess when you start getting older you get that perspective."

"Nanoha..." Yuuno said softly.

She turned back to him, eyes intense.

"I'm explaining this badly, I know. Maybe that's why I make most of my friends by getting into fights with them, because I don't express my feelings as well as I should. Although...that isn't true for you, is it, Yuuno-kun? You understood me right away, even when I thought you were just a magic talking ferret instead of a boy my own age."

Nanoha took his hand in one of hers.

"Yuuno-kun, you were my very first friend from this magical world. You opened my eyes to a whole new reality, and that's shaped the course of my entire life. You were by my side the whole time, and there have been times where without your warmth at my back, your care and support, that I had no I idea how I could possibly go on. You've protected me unconditionally to the best of your ability, and you helped to make me into a person that can protect others. You've been such a huge help these past few years too, with properly raising Vivio. I don't know what I'd have done without having you in my life..."

With her free hand, she combed several windblown wisps of hair out of her face.

"Nanoha, are you saying that...?"

She smiled sheepishly at him.

"See, I told you that I was no good at this. Okay, I'm just going to come right out and say it plainly." She took a deep breath herself, then plunged on. "Yuuno-kun, will you be my maid of honor at Fate-chan's and my wedding?"


	14. Here Comes the Bride

_A/N: More wedding-related crack!_

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"Is it time yet, Nanoha-mama?" Vivio asked excitedly. A lot of six-year-olds would have been prone to misbehave or let their attention wander, but Vivio knew that she had a Very Important Job to for her mamas and was dedicated to doing it right.

"Almost, sweetie," Nanoha assured her. The white dress felt light and free around her, the color broken up only by Raising Heart's bright red glitter at her chest.

In the next moment, the organ music started. Midchilda had its own wedding traditions and themes, but in this case the bride had selected to use the traditional music from Earth.

"Okay, Vivio, this is it. When they open the door, you start down the aisle just like we did in rehearsal."

"Mmn!"

Precisely on cue, the porters swung the door wide, and Vivio started down the red-lined path into the sanctuary. The look of fierce determination on her face as she made sure to scatter the flower petals from her basket _just right_ was unbearably cute, Nanoha decided. Her daughter really reminded her of herself when she'd been that age.

Nanoha took a deep breath and adjusted her grip on the bridal bouquet. _Don't trip_, she warned herself, then began to walk down the aisle in slow, measured paces.

Fate smiled warmly at her from before the altar, lightening Nanoha's heart. The blonde had protested being made to wear the tuxedo, but she'd finally given in out of love, and she looked absolutely stunning. Next to her Chrono, Arf, Signum, and Shari all looked radiant in gold, while over on the bride's side Yuuno, Vita, Hayate, and Subaru looked equally attractive in blue. Hayate had done the designs, and she gave Nanoha a wink, pleased with her friend's reactions. Every one of their friends and family who'd been able to make it packed the pews. Nanoha was so eager that she wanted to run up the aisle and take her place at once, but she restrained herself for the sake of the moment. Even at the stately pace, she soon found herself standing next to Fate before Carim. Bardiche glittered from Fate's lapel as the blonde reached out to take Nanoha's hand. The music fell still. Carim smiled gently at them, dispelling some of their nervousness.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join together these two before us in holy matrimony..."

Even through her white glove, Nanoha could feel the warmth of Fate's hand, and she couldn't help but think back over all the things that had led to this day, from her first meeting with Yuuno and her discovery of magic right up to the day of the proposal. They'd been wonderful times, even the hard ones, and she was sure that they'd continue in the future.

A squeeze of Fate's fingers warned her that the preamble was closing and they were coming to the important part. It wouldn't do to let her mind wander during the "I dos"!

Carim turned towards Fate.

"Do you, Bardiche, take Raising Heart to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to interface with, for richer or for poorer, in malfunction and in health, for as long as you both shall operate?"

**"Yes, sir!"**


	15. The Big Blue Dog Is Her What?

Sometimes, Stuart Baker decided, life was kind.

He'd taken up the habit of a daily jog in the park because his doctor was worried about his cardiovascular health. Thus he'd been dragging his carcass outside, bundled up in sweats, music player in his ears, all to deal with a problem that some magical healing and if necessary some cosmetic body-sculpting for the spare tire ought to be able to take care of.

Darned annoying, really, and it cost him an hour's sleep every morning besides. Likewise, his co-workers couldn't be pleased with the crabbiness that sore legs brought him each day.

But today was different. Today had brought him a bountiful gift, in the form of a stunning blonde, around thirty or so, with the kind of figure that made Baker really happy that he liked girls. She wore green to match her eyes, and the fact that her big blue-and-white dog wasn't on a leash was a clear sign that she was one of those innocent free spirits who so often believed in free _love_.

"Hey, there," he said as he drew up alongside her. "Nice morning to be out, isn't it?"

"Yes, I like the morning, before things become too hectic."

"Exactly how I feel," he lied brazenly. "Once city traffic gets going you can't even tell you're outside. This time of day, things are still quiet and you can enjoy yourself. I'm Stuart, by the way. My friends call me Stu."

"Shamal."

The dog gave a little growl deep in its throat, not really at him but in a general-displeasure kind of way.

"So hey, y'know, would you like to go somewhere for a coffee or something when we're ready to go?"

Shamal chuckled.

"I'm flattered, really, but it isn't very polite to ask a woman out right in front of her boyfriend."

Baker glanced around but didn't see anyone.

"Huh? Sorry about that, but...um, where is he?"

She smiled broadly at him.

"Don't be silly. Zafira is right here!" She reached down and stroked the dog's head.

Baker glanced down at Zafira, who showed teeth. He glanced back up at Shamal, who kept up that smile of radiant, almost blinding sincerity. He wasn't sure if she was having him on or if she really meant it...or which would be worse.

"Um, well...er...nice to have met you," he stammered, and dashed off.

Shamal let out a big sigh.

"Really, Zafira, this is why I wish you'd stay in human form more often. That man must think I'm completely strange!"

_It serves him right_, the Guardian Beast replied telepathically. _He probably mistook me for a dog! Besides, I get tired of people claiming that I have no sense of humor._


	16. I Spy

_A/N: Well, it's a chapter number which is a multiple of 4, so it must be time for another inspired-by-RadiantBeam Lutecia/Vivio short. And for the first time, I've actually made Vi and Cia the stars of this story instead of just writing about what Nanoha and Fate are doing in the "background." Ironically, RB also wrote a Lutecia/Vivio short called "I Spy"...which I don't think is posted here yet._ _Seriously, RadiantBeam, we're missing 2-3 of them over here!_

_This particular story was actually inspired by the fact that so often the Lutecia/Vivio omakes I write are actually _about_ what other people are doing while the girls kiss..._

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Vivio arched her body up against Lutecia Alphine's. The blonde was still having a little trouble adapting to the fact that her last growth spurt had shot her up and past her girlfriend's height in the space of a few short months. It kept throwing her off, the patterns by which they'd snuggled together in the past having to be replaced by new ones. On the other hand, it was kind of neat having Cia sit on _her_ lap while they kissed.

"How come you don't ever kiss me like that, Caro?" Erio Mondial joked, which got him whapped on the head with his girlfriend's hat. She'd have done more, but it was hard to take a proper revenge for piggish male comments when one was crouching in the shrubbery spying on one's best friend.

"I didn't hear any complaints from you on Saturday night," Caro pointed out.

Erio did have a point, though, the pink-haired summoner had to concede. Frankly, if the kiss got any deeper, it would stop being a romantic act and qualify for a surgical procedure. And their hands weren't exactly keeping to themselves, either.

"And right out on a park bench, too. Cia's usually so shy!" she boggled.

"Watching this, I wish I'd bet on Vivio in Hayate's pool."

"Tell me about it. If this gets any worse we'll have to leave or else be obligated as TSAB officers to call the cops."

"Don't worry; they're not interested in illusions."

"Huh?" Erio and Caro both exclaimed, whirling around to see..._Vivio and Lutecia?_

**"Did I do it right?"** asked Vivio's ring.

"Yes, Burning Glory; that was a perfect Silhouette Mirage. Tia would be proud of us!"

"We're not so proud of you two, though," Lutecia said, crossing her arms over her chest. "What were you doing spying on us? Why is it that every time Vivio and I share a kiss, one of our family or friends has to be playing Peeping Tom?"

"Um...we'd love to stay and chat, but...oh, is that a tree calling for help? Gottagobye!" Erio grabbed Caro's hand and in one Lightning Move had them halfway across the park in two seconds.

Lutecia and Vivio glanced at each other, then burst out laughing.

"Shall we continue our date now that the audience is thinned out?" Lutecia offered.

"Let me just call up Aunt Hayate first. I had Erio and Caro in the spy pool and I want to collect now so I can afford to get us the lobster for dinner!"


	17. Too Much Information For My Heart

"My...head hurts..." moaned Hayate. "I should never have had so much to drink at the New Year's party..."

"Well, that's a lesson learned for you, Mistress," Shamal said.

"She is still a twenty-two-year-old girl," Zafira pointed out. "The Mistress should be permitted to have fun while she's still young."

"Thank you," Hayate said, then directed a suddenly suspicious glance at the blue wolf. "Wait a minute, Zafira. Why aren't you groaning in pain?"

"Shamal's healing magic cured my hangover."

Hayate's glance transferred itself to Shamal.

"And exactly why does Zafira get to be pain-free while your mistress has a jackhammer going off on her skull?"

"Because he's babysitting Vivio today."

"Oh, yeah. New Year's Day, so no school."

The doorbell rang.

"That must be her," Shamal said. She opened the door and saw Yuuno there together with a seven-year-old bundle of energy. Vivio looked perky and excited, while Yuuno's face was alternating between sickly pale and various shades of green.

"Oh! Yuuno, are you all right?"

He managed a wan smile.

"Too much partying. Thanks for taking care of Vivio."

"Oh, it's no problem; Zafira loves her."

"Zaffy!" Vivio had caught sight of the wolf and immediately glomped onto him with a hug.

"And vice versa," Yuuno agreed. "Thanks for the help."

"You're welcome." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "I'd offer to cure your headache, but I'm trying to teach Hayate to party in moderation."

"I heard that!" Hayate called, then winced. "...Ow. I shouldn't be shouting, should I?"

"It's okay. At least I've got a nice, dark library to hide in. See you this evening."

"All right. Tell Fate and Nanoha hello for us."

The door slid shut and Shamal turned back to get her lab coat. She had a feeling it would be a long day at the infirmary dispensing analgesics and anti-nausea medications.

"Okay, Zaffy, roll over!" Vivio was saying.

"Excuse me?"

"Roll over!"

Zafira sighed.

"Vivio, we've been over this. I am a Guardian Beast. I do not sit, roll over, or play fetch."

"Nanoha-mama does!"

"Nanoha-chan does puppy tricks?" Hayate asked, interested.

"Mmn!" Vivio answered eagerly. "So if Nanoha-mama can, then it's okay for Zafira, too, right?"

Hayate couldn't find anything wrong with that logic, which was probably another hangover symptom.

Zafira, however, wasn't letting his dignity go down without a fight.

"Vivio, are you saying that Major Takamachi Nanoha, the Ace of Aces, the TSAB's most feared air combat mage, your mother, will roll over on command?"

"Mmn!" Then, because Vivio was an honest girl, she qualified her answer. "Well...actually I don't know if she knows that one."

"Can you explain?" Shamal asked, curiosity finally overcoming her, too.

"It was last night. Mamas and papa had been drinking that funny-looking juice in the tall bottles that makes their breath smell bad, and Fate-mama bet Yuuno-papa that after I was asleep she could make Nanoha-mama come more times than he could."

Shamal giggled. Zafira got very interested in the floor. Hayate started to laugh but stopped, wincing.

"Ow! No laughing, either."

"Um, what's so funny?" Vivio asked, a little off-balance by the adults' reaction.

"Nothing, Vivio," Zafira hastily said. "How about I get a ball and we can play fetch?"

"Yay!"

"Hey, Vivio," Hayate asked as the wolf and his charge started off in search of dog toys.

"Yes, Aunt Hayate?"

"Did you happen to overhear this morning who won the bet?"

"Mmn! Nanoha-mama!"


	18. Magical Girl Vivio

The Takamachi residence was packed. Nearly every one of their extended group of friends and family was there. One side of the living room had been all but cleared of furniture, while on the other nearly every chair in the house had been dragged in, whether from the kitchen, dining room, or assorted desks, to give the gathered group something to sit in while they watched the far end of the room.

Someone turned out the lights and the voice of Fate T. Harlaown rang out, amplified by her Device: "Presenting the one and only, the Mistress of Mystery, the Queen of Illusion...Vivio!"

Yellow lights swirled like spotlights, then suddenly the room lights turned back on and standing in the middle of the open side of the room was nine-year-old Vivio, wearing a tuxedo and top hat. She lifted the hat off her head and a stuffed bunny fell out. Everyone laughed and Vivio grinned sheepishly.

"As you can see, there's nothing in my hat...now," she said, showing the interior of the hat to the audience. "But..." She held the hat brim-down, then reached up inside and pulled out another stuffed rabbit, this one very familiar to everyone.

"Vita, you should be more careful with your important friends!" Vivio said and handed the bunny to the red-haired Wolkenritter. Vita flushed as red as her hair, but couldn't help but squeeze the toy close. Hayate and Shamal burst into laughter at once, Yuuno and Signum applauded, and Subaru burst into a thunderous explosion of clapping.

"Woohoo! Brava!" she cheered lustily.

Her sister Ginga, who was clapping with more restraint, grinned up at her and said, "I'm beginning to understand the things Tia says about you, Subaru."

"Aw, neesan."

The remaining audience members, however, didn't seem so impressed. The other Nakajima sisters just looked at each other in confusion.

"I don't understand," Wendi remarked. "Basic apportation magic ought to be within Vivio's range of ability, so why are people clapping?"

"Maybe because she didn't use an incantation?" Cinque speculated.

"But what was the point of the hat?" asked Nove.

In the next row forward, Otto leaned towards Deed and asked, "If Fate is calling her the 'Queen of Illusion,' does this mean Vivio won't get angry when I call her 'Your Majesty' any more?"

Nanoha swung the spear-tip of Raising Heart, crackling with pink lightning, towards the former Numbers.

"I'd suggest there be less chatter if you don't want the next trick to be the Disappearing _Audience_." The cyborgs fell silent.

"You know, given that the Numbers really don't have the cultural background to 'get' stage magic," Hayate whispered to Yuuno, "isn't Nanoha being overly crabby?"

"She's annoyed because Vivio picked Fate over her to be the magician's lovely assistant."

"For my next trick," Vivio announced, "I will perform one of the classic routines in magic: sawing a woman in half!"

She gestured theatrically towards the study door, and Fate wheeled in a long, low crate on a tea-cart. The 'lovely assistant' was continuing the rabbit theme by being dressed up in a bunny costume: leotard, fishnets, high-heeled pumps, cottony tail, and a headband with tall, floppy ears. Since it was actually Nanoha's costume, though, what would have been sexy on the Ace of Aces flirted with indecent on the much curvier Fate. Hayate wondered whether Nanoha or Yuuno was blushing harder at the sight, while Subaru popped up with, if possible, an even more enthusiastic ovation than the first time.

"Doesn't Fate-mama make a cute bunny?" Vivio asked. "But, will she be as cute after this trick is done?" she added ghoulishly. She flipped up the crate's two lids and Fate climbed inside, flourishing plenty of leg in the process.

"I'm getting the idea Nanoha is starting to appreciate letting Fate be the eye candy," Hayate chuckled.

Vivio closed the box lids, then shut the hasps and slid the bolts home, trapping the Enforcer inside. She then took a large, slightly rusty wood saw from the cart's lower shelf.

"And now to divide Fate-mama in two!"

She walked around behind the cart, flourished the saw, and began to cut into the box.

**"Defenser."**

The saw was blasted from her hand, half its blade snapping off.

"Bardiche! We've practiced this!" Vivio squeaked, cheeks puffing out.

**"Sorry, sir."**


	19. Spring Cleaning

"What I don't understand is, how does a three-person family, one of whom spends three-fourths of the year away from home and another who's a seven-year old child, accumulate all this _stuff_?"

"Nyahaha...eh...er..."

"Nanoha-mama is a pack rat with Maximum Power, Aunt Hayate!" Vivio piped up excitedly.

"Yes, that I believe," Hayate said, staring at the small mountain of boxes that filled the Takamachi attic.

"Why didn't you warn us about this, Yuuno?" Chrono said. Yuuno just grinned back and let Chrono's wife answer for him.

"Because he's bright enough to know you'd weasel out of it if you knew how big the job was, dear," Amy pointed out.

"Yeah, true. And trust ferret-boy to know all about weaseling."

"I'm just amazed it didn't all get blown up or something, being around Nanoha this long," Vita joked.

"It's one of Fate-mama's rules: no shooting magic in the house," Vivio contributed, then pouted. "She can be kinda strict sometimes."

Nanoha looked oddly at her daughter, then back at Hayate.

"Are you _sure_ that Scaglietti didn't use any of your DNA when he made her, Hayate-chan?"

Shamal giggled.

"That timing does seem kind of familiar."

"Can we get started here? The game is on tonight and I've got fifty riding on the Corsairs."

Amy cuffed Chrono on the back of the head, but his point was well-taken.

"Okay, so we need to go through all this stuff, repack what's going to be kept, sort out what's going to be donated to charity, and throw out the trash," Nanoha instructed. "Let's get to work."

"Yay!" cheered Vivio, while everyone else let out a rousing groan.

"Actually, Vivio, why don't you go off and play? We're going to be doing a lot of heavy lifting and I don't want you to get hurt up here."

"Aw, but mama--"

"No buts." Vivio knew that tone and fell silent. "Zafira-san, would you mind looking after her?"

"I'd be glad to," he replied. It was only after he'd taken the girl back downstairs that it dawned on anyone else that "babysitting" meant "no heavy lifting."

"Chrono, don't you think blue would be a nice color for a new fireplace rug?"

"No way, bridge bunny," Vita snapped. "Zafira is a Wolkenritter and that means he's going to be _our_ rug."

Yuuno adjusted his glasses.

"Offhand," he suggested, "I think Zafira will receive his own punishment."

"Ehhhhh?" everyone chorused.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Okay, Zaffy, since I can't help with Nanoha-mama's spring cleaning, I can at least do my own!" Vivio announced, then dumped out a box of kid-model makeup accessories onto the sofa. "Paw?"

"Why?"

"Because I can't choose which nail polishes to keep unless I see what they look like on someone's toenails! And these sparkling butterflies are cute, but I'm not sure they really look good on nails, and..."


	20. Something About Mama Just Bugs Me

_A/N: And it's another side-story to one of RadiantBeam's Lutecia/Vivio fics! This one takes place during "Waiting Game," as she asked me to write what I thought Fate and Nanoha were doing before Vivio came through the door._

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
_

"Nanoha, you can't have Raising Heart do a Wide Area Search for Vivio and Lutecia."

"But Fate-chan..." Nanoha said, her voice sounding suspiciously close to a whine.

"No."

Nanoha sighed.

"All right. Mode Release, Raising Heart."

**"Yes, my master."** The Intelligent Device reverted to its standby mode, a brilliant red gem, and Nanoha returned it to the chain around her neck.

Fate got up from her chair and put her arm around Nanoha's shoulders.

"It wouldn't have worked anyway, you know. Lutecia's been trained to detect and block seeking spells as part of her job. Getting detected by one could end up getting her killed, after all; she can't turn that off any more than you or I can walk into a room without immediately assessing potential threats, fields of fire, and escape routes. And Vivio has more raw potential than any of us. She might notice the spell, too, and then there'd be hell to pay."

"I'm just so worried!"

Fate gave her a reassuring squeeze.

"I know. But you don't want to pick a fight with our daughter over trust issues. She's hotheaded enough to deliberately do something you don't want just to spite you, and if Lutecia gets angry enough...

"Yeah, I know." Nanoha shook her head, then suddenly broke into laughter. "It's weird. Here I am, all worried over the idea that Vivio might rush into adult things too early when you know, I know, and _they_ know that the only reason Vivio _hasn't_ slept with Lutecia yet is _because_ of the age difference that's making me so worried in the first place!"

"Life's full of little ironies," Fate returned her wife's grin.

"I still can't understand how you can be so calm about this."

"Well, it could be experience. Erio and Caro did go through this stage about five years ago."

"They did? How come I don't remember that?"

"I was on deployment at the time. There was a week where Caro and I were having three-hour calls every night."

Nanoha chuckled.

"Bet you were really glad you'd only adopted them as their _guardian_ and not their _mother_, huh, Fate-chan?"

"Not as glad as they were!"

"At least it solved the entire 'bring the boyfriend home to meet the parents' problem," Nanoha mused.

"Who was it that wanted me to cook tomorrow night?"

"I'll be good!"

Nanoha sighed again and ran her hand through her hair. It was really just more of the same thing she'd been dealing with since she'd adopted Vivio. Fate was more maternal, more naturally at ease with children. It was as if Fate had internalized all the horrors of Precia's abuse, combined them with the happy memories that rightfully belonged to her "sister" Alicia, and put them together into not only a sincere care for the young but a knowledge of what they needed, what worked and what didn't. All Nanoha had gotten out of her own childhood was a relentless self-sufficiency and a knack for forming close friendships--relationships with people on her own level.

Ironically, her own personality made her a fine soldier, and meshed well with the skills she taught her students, the mage cadets of the TSAB air force. It didn't carry over well to motherhood, though; it was a vicious struggle every day to try to find the way to translate her love for Vivio into a form that would give her both the happiness she deserved and the lessons the girl needed to learn. If it wasn't for Fate...

If it wasn't for Fate...

She flung her arms around Fate, buried her face against the curve of her neck, and squeezed her close and tight.

"I need to so much, Fate-chan. Without you, I'd...I'd..."

Fate gently stroked her hair.

"I know," she answered what Nanoha meant rather than just what she'd said. She was good at that. "This time, though, experience is only part of it."

"Oh?" Nanoha lifted her head, looking curiously at Fate.

"Raising Heart, would you tune to secured channel AZI-469?"

**"Yes, my master's love-bunny."**

Nanoha giggled. Fate just groaned. Then two more voices joined theirs.

_"I still can't believe you didn't find that movie romantic."_

_"Hey, I found it perfectly romantic. I also just happened to find it horribly cliche."_

"What? But that's...Vivio and Lutecia-chan!"

Fate smirked.

"Uh-huh."

"But how?"

"Remember when Vivio was rooting through my closet, wanting to borrow something to wear on her date?"

"Yeah; my stuff doesn't fit her."

"And she asked to borrow the black cocktail dress with the figure-eight double belt?"

"Mmn."

"That's one of my work outfits for undercover assignments. There's a standard Enforcement Bureau bug in the belt. Full 3D audio-video field scan, and does not ping off search-magic awareness unless you do an active search for it."

Nanoha shook her head.

"You _bugged our daughter_. And I thought _I_ was overprotective!"

"No, our daughter bugged herself. There _is_ a difference. And you'll note that I wasn't listening in."

"Well, that makes one of us."

"All right, but go upstairs. You don't want her to walk in the front door and hear her own voice calling hello."

"Gotcha."

"And it'll give you a better vantage point if you need to dump a bucket of cold water over them during the goodnight kiss."

"Fate-chan!"

Laughing, Fate strolled back to her chair and picked up her book.


	21. You Call This Archaeology?

_A/N: Yes, the title of this story is from Sean Connery's line in _Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade_._

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The gargoyle screeched with rage through its long, cleaving beak and lashed out at Yuuno Scrya. The twelve-year-old archaeologist barely raised a Round Shield in time, but his defensive spell managed to stop the animated stone guardian's claws before they reached his entirely too vulnerable body. Instead of being deflected away, though, the gargoyle continued to push against the bright green disk. A pale blue light began to swirl around its claws, energy the same color as the gargoyle's glowing eyes, and the claws began to dig into the shield.

"Barrier-piercing magic," he muttered. "Whomever set these things wasn't playing games!" Sparks flew from the interactions of the magic, and he realized that his shield wasn't going to hold much longer.

"Barrier Burst!"

Yuuno detonated the shield, turning its protective energies into a forceful blast that sent the gargoyle spinning away. The actual damage was minimal, though, and the stone guardian quickly righted itself to come hurtling back at him.

**"Accel Shooter."**

Four glowing pink balls like magical bullets pummeled the gargoyle, destroying its animating magic and smashing it into chunks of lifeless rock. Around the room four other gargoyles were similarly treated by Takamachi Nanoha's shooting magic. Though she was only Yuuno's age and came from a non-administered world without widespread knowledge of magic, she was already being celebrated as the TSAB's newest up-and-coming Ace.

Another flight of gargoyles had launched itself from the railing above, a half-dozen stone monsters descending to slaughter the violators of the tomb. Nanoha pointed her device, Raising Heart, in their direction.

"Accel Shooter!"

Her magic called up another swarm of homing missiles that launched at the attackers. The gargoyles banked and turned, but Nanoha's will steered the projectiles towards them, striking them down despite their best efforts.

It took concentration to control the spell, though, particularly so many shots at once. Most mages couldn't manage such a feat at all, so Nanoha could be forgiven for not realizing that the floor behind her was reshaping itself, rearing up in the shape of a thirty-foot colossus. The new guardian had giant spiked mace-heads instead of hands, shining with pale blue fire, and whipped one down towards Nanoha.

"Struggle Bind!"

Glowing green chains sprayed from the rune in front of Yuuno's hand, wrapping around the golem's arms, legs, waist, and head. It pulled, using all its strength against the binding spell, and Yuuno could feel the strain on his entire body as he fought to hold it. Nanoha turned, realizing her danger, and struck at it with the last remaining missiles from her Accel Shooter, but they did no more than chip off tiny pieces of stone.

"Nanoha!"

**"Let's shoot it, my master!"** Raising Heart encouraged. Nanoha leveled the device at the golem.

"Barrel extension."

Three circles appeared before Raising Heart's tip, forming a channel to build power for the spell to come.

"Divine Buster!"

A brilliant pink holocaust exploded from Raising Heart, consuming the torso, upper arms, and head of the golem, dispelling its magic and reducing the stone to a fine dust, then kept right on going into and through the wall, through a good sixty feet of stone, creating a brand new entrance into the millennia-old-pyramid.

The golem's unsupported forearms and legs crashed heavily to the floor, and then all was still.

"Wow!" Nanoha exclaimed, looking around at the damage. "Those were almost worse than Precia-san's guardians in the Garden of Time. I have new respect for your work, Yuuno-kun!"

"Um, I'm glad to hear you say that, Nanoha, but...would you please _listen to me the next time I tell you not to touch something!?"_


	22. Magician's Choice

Signum, leader of the Wolkenritter, Guardian Knights of the Tome of the Night Sky, swept down from the air towards the fleeing man. It was strange, she thought; the scene was like many that had played out over the centuries, but this time she and her fellow pursuer Zafira were the heroes, and the man running was a wanted criminal. Such a small change, and yet it made everything different.

As a knight, she was honor-bound to serve her master. As a magical program, she had not had the capacity to refuse to obey an unwelcome or dishonorable order. Their current master had changed the latter restriction, and made the former one she could once again take pride in. Even though their official status was as criminals making reparations for their offenses through service with the Ground Forces' Special Investigations Bureau, Signum now felt for the first time in a long time that she could look at herself in a mirror without having the urge to shatter the glass.

"All right; I'm going in," she said to Zafira.

"Be careful," the Guardian Beast warned her. "While this man is not a particularly powerful mage, he has dangerous Lost Logia in his possession."

"Don't worry. Mistress Hayate taught me special magic from her home world that will help with this situation."

Zafira blinked in surprise. After all, while Earth had produced a number of powerful mages such as Takamachi Nanoha as well as Hayate herself, it was not a planet with a substantial magic tradition. Indeed, most of its population believed that magic was nothing more than fantasy.

Signum overtook the fleeing man rapidly and descended from the sky well in front of him. She could see the unkempt black beard and wild eyes as he neared her, both no doubt products of the sickly yellow, fist-sized gem embedded in his forehead that had preyed on an otherwise ordinary researcher's mind. The regulating spells in the jewel had long since gone out of control without proper maintenance and had left it a ticking time bomb for those who handled it too closely.

Signum extended her hand to the man. Her Armed Device, her sword Laevatein, was not in it. Instead, she held--

_That can't be right_, Zafira thought.

"Pick a card, any card." Her thumb fanned out the deck of playing cards as she extended them towards the target. He halted; his jewel-corrupted thoughts knew how to deal with threatening or fleeing people (fight or flight alike meant "confrontation" which in turn meant "blast them"), but this was different. Unusual. He extended a shaking hand and plucked a card from the deck.

"Turn it over and look at it."

He did so. Suddenly there was a poof of crimson smoke and he found himself holding a frill of a red dress. The dress was worn by an apparent child of eight or so, swinging a giant mallet down at his skull. Before he could react, Graf Eisen impacted the Lost Logia and shattered it into a thousand glittering shards. The man pitched over onto his back, unconscious.

"Oooh, Queen of Clubs, too bad," Vita said.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_A/N: A "Magician's Choice" is a stage-magic term for any method which forces a volunteer to select a predetermined option despite having an apparently free choice._


	23. Magical Detective Sherlock Harlaown

_A/N: A little something different this week. It's a genuine-honest-to-goodness solve-it-yourself mystery, with the clues fairly (I think) presented (if you know your Nanoha canon). And you don't even have to turn to the back of the book or wait a week, because the answer is at the end of the story. Yes, now Fate can be like Encyclopedia Brown in ways other than just that she has a female sidekick who can beat up all the local villains._

_Nanoha: Sidekick!? Whose name is in the show's title?_

**The Sergeant, Drilled**

Teana Lanster peered through the transparent-polymer window set in the armored door at the sprawled figure of the dead man.

"I wish we didn't have to be studying this case by holographic simulation," she said.

Her superior, Fate T. Harlaown, nodded sympathetically.

"That's part of the problem with being an Enforcer. Local law enforcement and security can get to a trouble spot at once, but we have to wait hours or more likely days before our ship can get us there. Thankfully, since this crime happened in a TSAB training installation, the full range of forensics tests were available to us, including a full 3-D image recreation of the scene so we don't miss anything that still photos might accidentally conceal."

Tia nodded, recalling the details of the case. The victim was a drill sergeant on the base, Mack Hummerston. He'd been intensely disliked by the cadets for routinely crossing the line between "tough" and "abusive"; his recent performance reviews had been poor with a recommendation that he be relieved of this duty and reassigned to other areas, though that was still churning its way through the military bureaucracy.

"I guess someone didn't want to wait," she murmured, then asked Fate, "Is that a gun next to the body?"

"Yes, an actual mass-weapon, not a device like yours. Ballistics test reveal that it was the murder weapon, one round fired directly into the back of the head," Fate read from the case file.

"Where did it come from? Is there any chance of tracing it through the black market to a purchaser?"

"That's a good thought, but in this case the weapon came from the base's own arsenal; it was used in training exercises for teaching cadets how mass-weapons function in a military situation. According to the arsenal log, the victim himself had checked it out, had used it in a training exercise, and was supposed to return it, but apparently went back to his office for lunch first."

"That was lazy of him," Tia said disapprovingly.

"It would explain why Hummerston locked his office door behind him, for proper weapon security."

Tia turned around sharply.

"Did you say the door was locked, Fate?"

The blonde nodded at her trainee.

"That's right. It was coded shut at 12:06 and not unlocked again until 13:24, when the security team found the body after responding to the sound of the shot."

"Then could it be suicide?"

Fate shook her head.

"The fatal shot was fired from at least six feet away. No fingerprints or DNA other than the victim's were found on the weapon."

"Which would be expected since he was firing in practice. So it's a locked-room mystery, an impossible crime!"

"You sound so excited."

Teana blushed.

"It's an intellectual challenge, that's all," she stammered. "It's not like I'm a mystery buff or anything." She winced at how pathetic she sounded, imagining her former superior at Lost Property Riot Force 6 teasing her for acting like a typical _tsundere_. "Are...are there any suspects!?" she rushed on.

Fate nodded, her quick smile fading.

"Four cadets from Hummerston's section didn't have verifiable alibis for the time, although there's no gunshot residue or other tangible evidence linking them directly to the murder. Nanoha's going to be sad; they'd all trained under her and even learned some of her original magic before being transferred to their current base."

"That's got to be a come-down, going from working under Nanoha to being herded by an abusive incompetent. No wonder someone snapped."

"That's no excuse, Tia. There are proper channels for handling this sort of situation."

"I said that I understood, not that I approved."

Fate nodded.

"Point taken. Here are the four suspects." She called up screens in front of Tia displaying their profiles.

"Okay, so there's Avro Sellers, 13, shooting mage, trained as a Center Guard, learned Divine Shooter; Mary Ann Infiniti, 12, shooting mage, trained as Guard Wing, learned Stardust Fall; Eric Aztek, 14, Belkan close-combat mage, trained as Front Attacker, learned Barrier Burst; and Rika Chevette, 13, support mage, trained as Fullback, learned Area Search. You could make up a whole squad from these. Do you think they're in it together?"

"It's a possibility. Unit bonds are very strong, as you know from our time in RF6. But we'll focus initially on the obvious suspect and go from there."

"Wait--obvious suspect? Who?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Whom does Fate suspect?_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Infiniti," Fate told her. "Locked rooms aren't particular obstacles for a lot of different magic, of course. A teleporter could just jump inside and out again, a summoner could call up a creature to appear on the far side of the door, and some scrying windows allow attacks to be launched through them. In this case, Infiniti is the only one of the four that we know has the ability to commit the crime. Stardust Fall is a material-manipulation spell that picks up large rocks and hurls them at enemies, and requires a more general mastery of telekinesis magic to learn."

Tia nodded, remembering one particularly unpleasant moment when Nanoha had knocked her silly in training, then had to catch her using material-manipulation magic so she wouldn't fall and risk serious injury or death.

"So she could have stood outside the door, looked through the window, levitated the gun, and fired it all without ever going in the room or touching the weapon."

"Right. That isn't proof that she's actually guilty, but it gives us a starting point for our investigation."

"Blast; I should have seen that."

"Don't worry, Tia. That's why you're working as my aide. Your combat skills are already equal to many Enforcers from your training in RF6; you just need to practice thinking like an investigator instead of a soldier. You'll get the hang of it soon enough."

Tia grinned sheepishly.

"Okay...but if you _ever_ say 'Elementary, my dear Lanster,' I'm telling Nanoha that you called me 'dear'!"


	24. The White Devil's In The Details

_And once again, a multiple of four is devoted to a side-story to RadiantBeam's series of Vivio/Lutecia stories. This one was done in response to her request for a story about what Nanoha and Fate were doing while Vivio was over at Lutecia's getting the bad news in "Shadow." Burning Glory, by the way, is the name of Vivio's Intelligent Device in that series. Hm...when ViVid was published, it put an end to a minor cottage industry of fanfic writers naming Vivio's device!  
_

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

At nine years old, Takamachi Nanoha had confronted Lost Logia-spawned monsters, a mad scientist, ancient mage-warriors, and an out-of-control artifact that had caused the deaths of millions, and not least of all the complete upending of the way she'd viewed reality up until that point. She'd gone on to greater and greater things, becoming the TSAB's legendary "Ace of Aces," the heroine of the JS incident and numerous other cases. She'd danced on the edge of death, her life hanging by the slimmest of threads, and yet she never hesitated to risk that life when the cause was right.

People thought that the White Devil wasn't afraid of anything, that nothing could scratch the armor of her confidence.

"Fate-chan, where _is_ she?"

People were wrong.

"It's three in the morning, Fate-chan, and Vivio's not home yet! Where can she be?"

Fate Testarossa Harlaown was supposed to help to calm her down. What was the point of having a wife if they weren't there to lean on when you were being driven crazy?

Fate yawned into her pillow.

"Go'sleepNan'ha," she mumbled.

Some help.

If Vivio had had Burning Glory with her, it would have been easy. Nanoha would have had Raising Heart contact Vivio's device and find her location and condition.

Wasn't Fate even a _little_ concerned? Darn it, Fate was supposed to be the brittle, easily depressed one, the big softie with the heart full of flowers and fluffy bunnies and rainbows! But whenever it was about their daughter, her wife seemed to be made of iron. Maybe it was because Vivio was Fate's third child, so she'd already ushered Erio and Caro through their teenaged years and was used to it?

Nanoha vigorously shook Fate's shoulder.

"Fate-chan! Wake up!"

Groaning, Fate rolled onto her back and blinked, trying to accept that she wasn't going to be getting any more sleep until Nanoha was at ease. The look in her eyes didn't help that ease, though. Fate's scarlet gaze was generally too kind and soft and loving to make Nanoha think of the usual stuff that goes along with red eyes, but this time the look her wife was skewering her with had Nanoha immediately thinking of werewolves and demons.

"She's at 'Cia's. Go to sleep," Fate managed to separate her words.

"I know that's what she said when she left, but that was at seven-thirty, and she said it'd only be for a few minutes! It's been seven and a half hours now!"

Fate blinked at her.

"Nanoha, Megane called at ten to say Vivio would be spending the night."

Now it was Nanoha's turn to blink in surprise.

"Megane-san called?"

"Yes, Nanoha."

"Why didn't you _tell_ me? I've been going crazy!"

Ordinarily, Fate would have had something nice and soothing to say, to explain kindly how it was that Nanoha didn't know about Megane Alphine's call. That was when she hadn't been snapped out of the depths of sleep.

"Raising Heart, tell her?"

**"My master's love-bunny informed my master of Megane Alphine's call, stating that Vivio would be spending the night with Lutecia, at twenty-two-oh-six. Master replied, 'Um, yeah, thanks' and continued with her student evaluation reports. At twenty-two-seventeen my master wondered aloud why her love-bunny had not brought her the cup of coffee she'd offered, although no such offer had been made."**

Nanoha blushed.

"Um...eheheh...how about that..." she murmured, rubbing the back of her neck. She'd actually been working on those reports until nearly two, having assumed that Vivio had already come home. She'd washed her face, brushed her teeth, changed for bed, and only then had found that Vivio wasn't home when she poked her head in the girl's open bedroom door to whisper goodnight.

_No wonder Fate-chan had gone to bed so easily._

"Um, I'm sorry, Fate-chan."

Fate yawned again.

"It's okay, Nanoha. At least I know you'll never"--_yawn_--"cheat on me, since you wouldn't have any time to squeeze an affair in around work."

**"A direct hit, my master."**

"Whose side are you on?" Nanoha complained, then turned back to Fate. "As for you, I'll show you just how much free time I have!" She rolled over, pinning her wife to the bed beneath her.

"Nanoha, what are you doing?"

Nanoha nibbled her way down Fate's neck and along her collarbone, demonstrating what it was that she was doing.

"Nanoha, it's three in the morning!"

Nanoha slid her hands down Fate's sides, lightly trailing her fingertips across the blonde's flanks.

"Ahh! Well, I guess as long as I'm awake anyway..." Fate murmured, and pulled Nanoha up so that she could capture her wife's lips with her own.

An hour and a half later, Nanoha lay propped up on one elbow, looking down at the sleeping Fate. A little smile was playing about her wife's lips even in dreams, and Nanoha wondered if she was re-imagining what they'd just done.

_She's so cute when she's asleep_, Nanoha thought, and couldn't help thinking about they complemented each other so well. Nanoha's resolute spirit helped to carry the more hesitant Fate through the major incidents in their life, and in turn Fate's calm, accepting personality helped Nanoha to take it easy and put the minor bumps of day-to-day living into perspective. She snuggled down, nuzzling her head into Fate's shoulder. _I should have known that everything was all right just because Fate-chan went to bed, even though I missed her telling me that--_

Suddenly wide awake, Nanoha sat bolt upright in bed.

"What do you mean, Vivio's spending the night with Lutecia!?"


	25. When The Headstone's Rocking

Having a close-knit group of good friends whom you could always count on was a positive thing in many ways, Arisa Bannings knew. However, when the talk turned to romance...

"I can't believe you two are dating!" Nanoha squealed.

"Personally, I'd say it's about time," observed Hayate.

"I think it's sweet," Fate said.

"So dish already," Hayate said. "We want details!"

It was as if the last request had opened the floodgates. Questions peppered her from all sides.

"Which one of you confessed first?"

"How did your first kiss happen?"

"Have you been on any dates yet?"

"Was it romantic?"

"What did you say?"

"Have you done it yet?"

"_Hayate!_" Arisa exploded, half-jumping out of her seat.

"That's a yes," the brunette concluded, grinning.

"Suzuka, help me out here!" Arisa pleaded with her girlfriend, who was placidly eating her hamburger with dainty bites. While it was nice to see Suzuka acting like her usual self, a _little _less calm would have been reassuring.

"Well, she _is_ right," Suzuka said matter-of-factly.

"Do you _have_ to discuss this here, in the middle of McDonald's?"

Nanoha grinned at her.

"We might as well, Arisa-chan. Since you don't eat, it'll give you something to do."

Fate blushed. At least _someone_ was on her side, Arisa thought.

"Wait, how does that work?" Hayate asked.

"How does what work?"

"Sex, of course. You're a ghost. You don't have a body, so how is it that you can well, perform?"

Fate did a spit-take, making Arisa glad her white cashmere sweater wasn't real. Suzuka handed her a napkin so she wouldn't have to go intangible to get the orange soda off her face.

"It's...it's no weirder than vampire being able to--" Arisa stammered.

"Yeah, but Suzuka-chan is a living person," Nanoha said, "not the walking dead, so that isn't really surprising."

"Though there are lots of legends and folk tales about ghosts who sleep with the living," Hayate said. "Chinese literature, for example, is full of them. And isn't it true that there are Western stories, also?"

"Ah! Like the 'Phantom Lover,' a ghost who came back from the dead and visited his fiancee in the night, until she agreed to accompany him back to his grave."

"Well, Arisa is buried in my backyard, so if that's her plan we'll still be able to visit home regularly," Suzuka observed.

"Why me?" Arisa moaned.

Hayate nibbled on a French fry, then paused before taking another.

"You know, there's still a question."

"What?"

"Well, even if it's not _strange_, from a literary/mythological perspective, that Arisa-chan could sleep with Suzuka-chan, it doesn't explain _how_."

"Hayate, of all the people at this table, you're the _last _one I'd have suspected needed how-to lessons," Arisa managed to get a little of her own back.

"Not _that_ way. I mean, you don't have a real body, just a magical construct that simulates one. It doesn't feel pain, it repairs any damage instantly, it doesn't even show up on cameras. So how can it, um, _react_ to the things Suzuka-chan does?"

That...was actually a good question.

"You might as well ask how Arisa-chan blushes like that," Nanoha said. "She's as red as Fate-chan."

"Well," Suzuka said, "Arisa's body does seem to reflect her mental state, even if the biological processes that would produce reactions like blushing don't exist any more."

"Wow. I guess that means it must be true what they say, huh?"

"About what, Hayate-chan?"

She grinned and reached for another fry.

"That sex really is ninety percent mental."


	26. Sometimes We Sweat the Small Stuff

_A/N: This is yet another story set in RadiantBeam's ViCia/Shadows series. It takes place immediately following my "Caught Within Shadows" and during the events of chapter 3 of her "Sunrise."_

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"So, Fate-chan, what's for dinner?"

Fate blinked at her wife in surprise. After all, they'd just been in an intense and emotional discussion about their daughter Vivio's relationship with Lutecia Alphine and the revelation that Lutecia was a Shadow, one of the TSAB's black-operations specialists.

"D-dinner?"

Nanoha grinned sheepishly.

"Nyahaha...I guess these kind of talks make me hungry?"

Fate chuckled softly, as much in a release of tension as because it was actually funny.

"It's my turn to cook," she agreed. "Why don't you go ask Vivio what she'd like? She's had the hardest day, after all, so at least she can have her choice of meal."

"What about me?" Nanoha argued, still grinning. "I've had to face off first with Vivio, then with Lutecia, and then with you today! I'm not all that good at confrontations where nothing gets blown up."

"You're Nanoha-mama, so that means you have to be the strong one for Vivio's sake."

She wiggled her eyebrows at Fate.

"It's easier to be strong with lasagna, Fate-chan..."

Fate pointed to the door.

"If it's what your daughter wants, O Ace of Aces."

"Meanie," Nanoha pouted, but got up and went into the next room. "Vivio!" she called. "Vivio!"

There was no answer. She poked her head around the corner into the living room; there was no sign of Vivio and the entertainment center was silent. Nanoha went over to the sliding glass doors and looked out into the back yard. There was no sign of her there.

_She's probably in her room_, Nanoha thought.

"Vivio!" she called upstairs. "Fate-chan wants to know what you want for dinner!"

Silence.

_If she's ignoring me--!_ Nanoha felt a spark of anger well up. Vivio was a good daughter, but the topic of her girlfriend was the one subject guaranteed to turn her into a surly, intractable teenager.

_Okay, so my own reactions might have something to do with that, too,_ Nanoha admitted. She'd never been a supporter of the relationship. When push came to shove, Vivio was a child. A responsible and intelligent child, but a child nonetheless, who'd always had her mothers to love and support her and a huge extended family to fall back on as well; she'd been sheltered and given a normal childhood in ways that none of their friends except Arisa Bannings and maybe Subaru and Ginga Nakajima had been. Certainly Nanoha and Fate hadn't! Lutecia, by contrast, was an adult, and not just in her chronological age. She'd basically been raised by mad scientist Jail Scaglietti, trained and used in his evil schemes. Like Nanoha or Fate she'd been forced to grow up far too fast. Unlike Nanoha and Fate, there hadn't been anyone there to catch her and let her have a second chance at a childhood, even though she'd been rescued and found friends.

The most telling difference, to Nanoha's mind, had been Lutecia's relationship with her mother, Megane. Though they lived together, even when Lutecia had been thirteen they'd never really acted like mother and daughter; the relationship was more equal, sisterly rather than like parent and child.

Lutecia's job made it all fall very neatly into place for Nanoha. Doing what a Shadow did would burn any remaining childishness out of the girl very quickly indeed. And now Nanoha didn't know which was the bigger problem! Or maybe it was the same problem? That Lutecia would take unethical advantage of Vivio to get what she wanted out of the relationship regardless of what Vivio was ready for?

Nanoha shook her head as she climbed the stairs. Wasn't parenting supposed to get easier as a child grew up?

"Vivio!" she called. There was still no answer.

_Maybe she's listening to music with headphones on and can't hear me?_

Her room door was open, so Nanoha leaned her head around the jamb.

"Vivio, it's--"

Nothing. She wasn't there, either. Nanoha glanced down the hall. The bathroom door was open, too, so she wasn't there.

"Raising Heart, Area Search," Nanoha ordered, starting to worry.

**"Vivio is not in the house,"** Raising Heart answered a few seconds later when the search was complete.

"Call her."

**"I cannot, my master. Burning Glory was damaged during Vivio's AAA-rank test and is being repaired,"** Nanoha's device said apologetically.

That was right. She'd forgotten that.

"Fate-chan! Fate-chan!" Nanoha shouted running downstairs.

"Nanoha, what is--?" Fate was waiting for her in the front hall.

"Vivio's missing! She's not in the house--I had Raising Heart check that. And we can't call her because she doesn't have Burning Glory with her!"

Fate held up a slip of paper.

"She left a note. I found it on the hall table."

"A note?"

Fate gave it to Nanoha, smiling sheepishly.

"I got worried when you kept calling her, so I came out to have a look."

Nanoha smiled back. That was the pattern, though. Fate was a worrywart over the little things and levelheaded about the big stuff, while it was the emotional crises that never failed to take Nanoha out of her comfort zone. She glanced over the note.

_Mamas,_

_I need to talk to Cia and get some answers. You sounded like you were having a really intense talk and I didn't want to break in, so I'm leaving this note instead. I'll call if I'm going to be late._

_Vivio._

"So she's at Lutecia's."

"It was going to happen, sooner or later," Fate-chan pointed out. "They can't go on without talking things out. I'm not surprised it's 'sooner,' though. Vivio's a lot like you when it comes to getting answers to emotional questions: relentless."

"Does it make me a bad person if I hope she had to get those answers by bouncing Lutecia off a few walls, Fate-chan?"

Fate chuckled and ruffled Nanoha's hair.

"Mou, Fate-chan!"

"No, it makes you a worried mama who's not too happy with her daughter's significant other for being dishonest and hurting Vivio."

"Just because I know they have to work it out on their own doesn't mean I can't hope Lutecia gets what she deserves." She looked at the note again and scowled.

"Nanoha, why the nasty face?"

"I raised her better than this," Nanoha grumbled.

"Are we still talking about Lutecia's job?"

Nanoha shook her head.

"No, about this note! She may be nearly an adult and have to come to her own conclusions about her relationship, but I'm still her mother and as her mother I'm saying that this penmanship is completely unacceptable!"


	27. Should've Noticed the Lack of Sparkles

The business card read "Abraham Arminius, M.D., Ph. D., Budapest," but the accent of his Japanese suggested somewhere other than Eastern Europe for his place of origin—the Netherlands, perhaps. He was a stout man, white-bearded and rosy-cheeked, with more than a touch of Father Christmas in his look. His dark, pinstriped three-piece suit was very neat and immaculately pressed, and a silver watch-chain glinted in the light when he moved.

"So, Dr. Arminius," Arisa Bannings said, "what can I do for you?" The blonde college student regarded him calmly. She was curious as to why her European History professor had asked her to meet with this old friend of his, and why he'd chosen this small, private conference room in the library for the meeting. Maybe he just had a taste for the theatrical—the room, with its high bookcases and polished dark wood furniture resembled the study of some Victorian manor house rather than a modern room in twenty-first-century Japan.

"Ah, that. Did my good friend Professor Murasaki made known to you my purpose?"

Arisa shook her head.

"Not at all. He just said that you were an old friend of his who wanted to talk with me and asked if I'd do it as a favor."

"Then explain I will. Please, sit down."

He gestured at the chair opposite him, and Arisa sat. With old-world politeness, he waited for her, then sat too.

"What I am about to say, it may seem fantastic, but I assure you it be true," Arminius began. "Heard of it you have, perhaps, the legend of the vampire?"

He imparted the word somehow with an air of menace and terror, of a hidden, unfathomable fear lurking in the night.

Arisa's response did not exactly capture that tone.

"Um, yeah. Dracula movies since I was a kid, then pretty much every bestselling young adult novel series is about vampires, maybe one in five romance novels features one as the hero, and they're all over manga. Heck, one of my best friends' older brother told us about one of those erotic video games that he'd played where the winning girl was a vampire. Honestly, Dr. Arminius, I'd say pretty much everybody on the planet knows all about vampires."

Arminius actually looked taken aback by that news, though Arisa couldn't understand why. Surely he hadn't somehow missed the concept.

"_Gott in Himmel,_" he switched to German for no apparent reason. "News, then, these things to you will not be."

"We're here to talk about vampires," Arisa said dubiously.

"_Ja, ja_. The Un-Dead! Difficult to imagine, I know--"

"You do know that there's a whole subculture of people that like to play at being vampires, right? Even down to drinking blood?"

He flinched again. Clearly he wasn't up on the roles of vampires in modern culture. _Weirdo,_ Arisa decided. _Definitely a weirdo._

"You speak of people, though, _ja_? With sexual fetishes, deviants they are only, _ja_?"

Arisa scowled. Being in a lesbian relationship had given her a new appreciation of the value of tolerance with regard to other people's lifestyle choices. Arminius, though, was already moving on to the next part of what seemed more and more like a prepared speech.

"Vampires, though, people they are _not_. They are creatures horribly trapped between life and death. Condemned they are to walk the earth, subsisting on a meal of human gore."

"That reminds me, I need to get cinnamon rolls on the way home."

"Eat and drink as others they do not!"

"You're telling me," Arisa muttered _sotto voce_. "Who eats pineapple, garlic, and anchovy pizza with barbecue sauce?"

"Soulless creatures they are, who cast no shadow. No, nor reflection in mirror do they possess!"

Arminius reached out and yanked the cord of the curtained window next to the table. Only it wasn't a window, but a large, framed mirror, which revealed the entire room—except Arisa, of course, who hadn't had a reflection since she died.

"Fiend! Into my trap, fallen have you!" Arminius screeched, jumping to his feet. He thrust a large silver crucifix towards her with his left hand while his right fished a flask out of his coat pocket. "Daylight, it is, when you have no power to change your shape to wolf or mist or moonlight and escape!"

"So we're filing you away under 'complete lunatic,' I'm guessing?"

Arminius twisted the cap off the flask with a flex of his thumb and dashed the contents straight into Arisa's face.

"Burn, foul creature of the night!"

Arisa wiped the liquid—holy water, she was guessing—from her face on the back of her sleeve.

"Geez, can this get any more lame?"

"Fiend! I will end this poor girl's suffering!" He dropped the flask, reached into his coat, and pulled out a short, sharpened wooden stake with a fire-hardened point.

"You're not just a lunatic, you're a dangerous lunatic. Do you go around sticking those things into people?"

In the next instant he answered that he did, in fact, do just that by stabbing Arisa in the chest. She sighed.

"You are such an idiot. For the first point, real vampires have things like muscles and bones. You can't just stab them with a pointy stick and expect to hit the heart like on TV. For a second thing, you obviously wouldn't know a vampire if one bit you on the ass. And for a third thing, I'm not a vampire, you moron."

She pulled the stake out of her chest. The holes in her skin and her shirt alike closed up at once. There was no sign of blood. She dug her cell phone out of her purse.

"Now, you just sit back down while I call the nice people in the white coats to take you somewhere quiet and peaceful for you to get a long rest, and then I'm going to have a good long talk with Professor Murasaki about why he wanted me to meet with a crazy man who tried to kill me. I'll show him what it means to deal with something a lot scarier than any vampire."

"What...what...In God's name, what are you?"

Arisa flashed him a smug grin.

"A future law student!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_A/N: Obviously, this is set in the same continuity as my story "Blood & Spirit." For fun, spot all the different references to _Dracula_, to _Buffy the Vampire Slayer,_ and to Satashi's fic, "Vampire!Fate."_

_...Okay, I cheated, because the "Vampire!Fate" reference is to chapters that haven't yet been posted on , so only if you've been following it at AnimeSuki will you recognize it. Have fun guessing what it is anyway!_


	28. Romance Studies

_A/N: This is another story set in the ViCia universe, written at RadiantBeam's request. It takes place more or less simultaneously with her story, "Glasses" ("Shadowfire" Chapter 11 here), which you probably should read first, just in case._

* * *

"Do you think that we have enough oregano, Fate-chan?" Nanoha wondered, peering into the shopping cart. It made her wife laugh.

"I think we'll be fine, Nanoha, at least unless you want Italian food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day between now and next month's supermarket run."

"Was that an offer?" Nanoha shot back without missing a beat. Fate laughed again.

"Honestly, Nanoha, how did you ever get to be such a fan of Italian food?"

"Well, that...um..." She rubbed the back of her neck. "Nyahaha...it's kind of embarrassing."

Fate glanced at the holoscreen displaying their shopping list. More than half of the items were still unchecked.

"We've got lots of time. Go slow if you have to."

"Mou, Fate-chan..."

Fate chuckled.

"We're in our thirties now, Nanoha. We've reached the top of our careers and raised a sixteen-year-old daughter. I think we're mature enough to handle a little embarrassment."

"Still, we should be getting home quickly. Vivio has that big history test tomorrow—"

"—and Lutecia is helping her study for it. You know as well as I do that either of them know more Ancient Belkan history than the two of us put together."

"You're so relentless, Fate-chan!"

Fate added cardamon, nutmeg, and a saffron-like spice from Non-Administered World 103 to the cart.

"I _could_ be persuaded to make Tuscan swordfish steaks over black-pepper fettucini..._if_ I'm convinced it'll really, really be liked..."

Nanoha blinked.

"You're resorting to bribery? I thought you were supposed to be the heroine of law and order, the Ace of the Navy's Enforcement Bureau!"

"I'm much more willing to bend the rules now that I have a desk job and my mind is opened to political and bureaucratic realities."

Her wife pouted, then brightened as she thought of something.

"All right, but I'm going to remember this the next time you want me to wear that white lace teddy you like so much."

Fate grinned.

"Vixen."

"Darned right!"

They moved on through the aisles, continuing to load the cart with items as they went. While it was easy to order groceries online for delivery in Cranagan, the number of people who wanted to select for themselves their meats, produce, bakery items, and similar goods made sure that markets continued to be busy with shoppers.

"Well...it started way back when I first met you. Remember how when you had to go to HQ for your trial for all the stuff that happened in the Jewel Seed incident, so we were separated and were exchanging video letters?"

Fate nodded.

"Uh huh."

"And you remember how we explained to my friends that you were from Italy because of your last name?"

"That's right; we said the same thing when I enrolled in your school."

"Well, Arisa-chan and Suzuka-chan were really interested, and so we started studying about Italy since I apparently had a friend from there. I couldn't really say no since I couldn't talk about magic or where you were really from."

Fate chuckled as she checked if she had a coupon for pancake syrup.

"It was a good thing I was so shy back then, so they didn't ask me a lot of questions. They knew more about my supposed home town than I did! Thankfully, Lindy-mama helped me to do a lot of fast studying, and of course at Christmas the truth came out to our friends."

"Well, the way it happened was...whenever we'd spend an afternoon learning about Italy, we'd all try Italian food that night."

"Oh, that's nice. It's a good idea, too; the more 'hands-on' a lesson is, the better a child learns it."

"So, it started being that every time I ate Italian food, I thought of Fate-chan. I noticed it first when I had a slice of pizza at the mall and, um, it's been that way ever since."

Fate's heart caught in her throat.

"Nanoha, that's so _sweet_. I had no idea."

Nanoha pushed her index fingers together in a nervous little gesture.

"You...don't think it's silly?"

"Silly? Of course not, sweetheart." She leaned forward and kissed her wife on the cheek. "I think it's wonderful and romantic and I'm going to make tiramisu for dessert tonight to go with the swordfish."

"Oooh!"

Fate grinned, her heart still fluttering.

"And after, if you're not too full, we can shoo the girls out and have our own love-love study session. I can teach you all kinds of things about Italy that you weren't old enough to learn back then."

Nanoha gave Fate her naughtiest grin and snagged a pair of reading glasses off a stand. She slipped them onto Fate's face and smiled widely. "Oooh, please do, teacher; I'm a willing and eager pupil!" She licked her lips, leering openly—then her face suddenly went stiff and nervous.

"Nanoha?"

"Raising Heart, please call home."

**"Yes, my master."**

"Nanoha, what's wrong?" Fate asked, worried.

"Well, I got a look at you in your 'hot teacher' mode there and nearly melted."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

A screen popped up in the air. The face of their daughter Vivio appeared, her blonde hair mussed and her lips slightly puffy and red.

"Mama?" she asked. "Did you forget something?"

Nanoha looked over at her wife.

"Let's just say, Fate-chan, that I don't think I'm the only Takamachi who finds red eyes behind a pair of glasses irresistible."


	29. Electrifying Customer Service

"Okay, whatcher want?" the fat man behind the cart barked. Fate T. Harlaown looked over the list of flavors. She wondered, idly, if ice cream had come to Midchilda and the TSAB from Nanoha's home world, or if it was a case of parallel development, a kind of universal constant.

"Hmm," she mused. Several different options sounded good. Did she want a cone or a sundae? Sprinkles? Single or double-dip?

"Bardiche," she asked out loud, "what kind of ice cream did I have last time?"

The golden triangle on the back of her glove pulsed with light.

**"Vanilla-raspberry swirl, sir,"** responded her Intelligent Device's deep, male voice.

The vendor tapped his scoop against the edge of the cart idly.

"Oh, that's right. Thank you."

Fate wondered what she'd do without Bardiche. Unlike the Storage Devices used by most TSAB mages for processing and speeding up their magic use in the style of a "magic wand" or a "wizard's staff," Intelligent Devices were just that—artificial intelligences capable of independent thought including casting spells on their own. To Fate, Bardiche wasn't just a weapon or a possession, but an important partner of hers that had been with her nearly all her life, not to mention the only tangible link she had to Linith, her mother's familiar, who had been the first person to show her kindness and the teacher who'd started her on the path to learning magic.

Yes, Bardiche meant a lot to her, but sometimes Fate wondered about her relationship with the device. It was true that his mind didn't work in exactly the same way as a person's, with different perceptions, needs, and desires, but his laconic communication style sometimes made Fate wonder if she was missing something, if there was some gap between them that needed to be filled. Friends and comrades didn't just share experiences; there was an understanding between them on a deeper level, the ability to perceive and comprehend each other's heart.

Did she share that with Bardiche? Did she do enough to "listen" to what the Intelligent Device was expressing, and to make sure her own feelings got through in return? Even after fifteen years together, she still sometimes felt the question weighing on her.

"Hey, lady, you gonna pick or what? I gotta business to run, here!"

Fate blinked, realizing that she'd wandered off mentally, lost in thought. The vendor's attitude annoyed her, though; there weren't any customers waiting, after all, so she hadn't inconvenienced anyone or cost the cart operator any sales. Some of her friends would have objected, she knew. Subaru would have been hurt and offended. Vita probably would have given him loud and anatomically precise instructions on what he could do with his attitude. Nanoha she could see giving him several sharp remarks as well in her best "teacher" voice. Fate, though, wasn't the kind to pick a fight over rudeness.

"Um...a vanilla cone, please."

"Five minutes it takes for freaking vanilla," he muttered while scooping out the ice cream and passing the cone over. Fate paid and set off down the street. She'd only gotten about half a block away when there was a shout from behind her.

"Aaah! Stop, thief!"

Fate spun, practiced eyes taking in the situation at once even as Bardiche was transforming into Assault Form, the basic Device Mode that looked like a short-handled, blunt-edged axe. The screamer was a woman in her forties, nicely dressed, with a child clinging to her skirt. Sprinting away from her—and therefore _towards_ Fate—was a young man with slicked-back hair. He wore scuffed work boots, tattered pants, and a battered, scarred utility jacket, so the expensive leather handbag gripped in his right hand really did nothing for his outfit.

Ordinary street crime was hardly the usual fare for a top-ranking Enforcer used to handling Lost Logia cases, but that didn't mean that she was going to stand idly by. She had started calculating the best way to deal with the situation, when Bardiche acted.

**"Plasma Smasher."**

"Wait! No!"

The blast of pseudo-elemental lightning exploded from Bardiche's tip and hammered into the thief, exploding into a crackling, sparkling sphere. It was a spell designed for high-impact magical combat against powerful, armored opponents; thankfully it had been cast for non-lethal magic damage so that the thief now sprawled out on the sidewalk would wake up, fundamentally unharmed. Eventually.

The ice-cream cart hadn't been so lucky. A shower of glittering bits rained down around the soot-smeared vendor.

"Oh, Bardiche, you do understand my feelings!"

**"Shocking, sir."**

"...Did Mach Caliber teach you about puns? I'm not sure he's a good influence on you..."


	30. The Godzilla Threshold

Espionage was not supposed to work this way, thought Lutecia Alphine. It was supposed to be a simple mission: infiltrate a compound of terrorist rebels who were starting to extend their activities outside Administered World 23 and "extract" the charismatic and connected number-two man in the movement, preferably in such a way as to make it seem like the result of intercine strife. Thus, infighting would cripple the organization from within, allowing the local government to mop up. It was how the Naval Special Intelligence Service, the Shadows, preferred to do business. Cleanly, silently, without exposing their own involvement.

"Target Buster—Go!"

"Armor Shield!"

She barely got the shield spell up in time. S-rank she might be, but that was largely a function of her summoning abilities. Standard magical combat was not her forte, and the attack's impact jolted her backwards when it cut through her shield.

It had been going so well, too. Lutecia had used her Insect summon, a swarm of wasplike little techno-bugs, to control the enemy's machines and suppress their alarms, cameras, motion sensors, and other security measures. She'd analyzed their security positions and the guard posts, so that her intrusion was timed out with surgical precision.

Then one guy skipping out on his post to go relieve his bladder had blown everything up in her face. Now, she was fighting for her life against a cadre of bloodthirsty fanatics.

Two terrorists closed on her with spearlike Neo-Belkan devices. Her most loyal summon, Garyuu, met one of them, parrying the spear and driving him back into a wall with a spinning kick. The insect knight was, by himself, the equivalent of an A+ or even AA combat mage, reflecting the kind of power Lutecia had. The second attacker, though, she had to deal with on her own and the spearpoint sliced through her Barrier Jacket, tracing a line of fire along her left side below her ribs. Wincing in pain, she pivoted away from him.

"Flare Cluster!"

The six bullets from her shooting spell knocked the spearman flying. The exchange, however, had let the Mid-style guards reload and re-arm.

"Lethal Blade!"

"Target Seeker!"

"Strike Lance! Fly!"

Lutecia parried one attack, Garyuu blocked a cannon-style strike for her, and she dodged several shooting magic blasts, but she took two hits, one to the belly and one to the thigh, and found herself dropping to one knee, Garyuu launched himself at the three men, forcing them to scatter and cope with the new threat, but the breathing room gained was limited, as she heard the whisper of her Insect sentries' "voice" calling for her attention. As Garyuu's armblades set off flashes of light while clashing against hastily thrown-up barrier spells, Lutecia realized that she'd soon have to cope with incoming reinforcements from multiple directions, from low-ranking ground mages and weapon-equipped nulls to a variety of air mages, nearly thirty in all. Basically, the whole camp was scrambling.

She was running out of options.

The jeweled core of Asclepius, her Boost Device, pulsed, and the four-cornered Belkan summoning rune swelled beneath her feet.

~X X X~

The three mages swept in, the smoke and fog of battle obscuring their vision but at the same time letting them know that they were on the right track, just as several dozen of their fellows were doing from other directions. The government killers were putting up quite a fight; the corpses of what must be elite death-squad members would make a bold statement in the group's next media releases—at once showing the population that the "lawful" authority was waging a covert war on them and the government that the People's Freedom Union was not to be taken lightly!

"Can you clear some of this smoke?" the lead mage called to the woman on his left. She raised her device and conjured an air-elemental spell.

"Rushing Wind!"

The billowing smoke was swept aside, revealing that a dark blur they'd thought had been nearly a deeper color of ash had in fact been a shadow in the mist, something that rose up from the ground.

And up.

And up.

"Oh, crap."

~X X X~

Supervisory Special Agent Echo glared at Lutecia across the transparent plastic of the desktop.

"Agent Alphine," she said, "I would have thought that someone of your experience and training would be aware of what the word _covert_ means?"

"Yes, I am," Lutecia replied calmly.

"Your mission was to assassinate a single target, preferably in such a fashion as the People's Freedom Union would not even realize that an outsider had been involved." A holographic screen popped up at Echo's command. It showed a stretch of ground where trees, grass, dirt, and any other sign of life had been scoured down to bare rock. "You can't even tell that there was a terrorist camp here!"

"Which means that there weren't any witnesses to report our involvement," Lutecia tried. "Technically, it remains a covert operation."

"The blast impact showed up on every seismic sensor for a six-hundred-mile radius! There have been extinction-level events which were less noticeable!"

"Hakutenou tends to be thorough..."

"The only reason the local government hasn't lodged a protest is that they're afraid we'll do it again!"

Lutecia had the grace to blush. Still, she rallied to her own defense.

"Agent Echo, I know this isn't the kind of action our service is supposed to be taking, but it also wasn't as outside the lines as you seem to think. The original objective was lost by the time I summoned Hakutenou, and there was a very real risk of me being killed by the terrorists, or worse yet taken alive. As it is, the target _was_ eliminated, and while the secondary objective of instilling dissent within the People's Freedom Union wasn't achieved, we did eliminate an estimated sixty percent of their combat capacity, with _zero_ collateral damage...well, if you're not a plant lover."

Echo groaned.

"It's a measure of how out of kilter I am that I can't even tell you what's wrong with that logic. I'm just going to forward this incident report upstairs to the director and let _him_ worry about it. Just...for the sake of my impending ulcer, promise me one thing, Alphine?"

"What's that?"

"The next time you're in a situation where summoning a fifty-foot bug sounds like a good idea, would you call your girlfriend instead? Divine intervention would be easier to explain."

~X X X~

_A/N: This story was inspired by two things: The title comes from the TV Trope of the same name, which represents the point at which a situation has deteriorated so badly that summoning Godzilla (okay, Hakutenou is more like Mothra, but the principle applies...) wouldn't make things any worse. The other inspiration was the only line worth remembering from the movie _Ishtar_, when helicopters are on the move and stuff is blowing up and the CIA agent reports, "Sir, this operation is no longer covert."_


	31. Kaiser's Justice Doesn't Play Favorites

Nanoha stood over the steaming pot, stirring occasionally. She smiled when she heard the door open and feet scuffle in the foyer. It felt so homey to be making dinner when Fate brought their daughter back home from school.

"Vivio! Fate-chan!" she called. "Welcome home! I baked snickerdoodles, but you can only have one each before supper so you don't ruin your appetite." Then she realized that something was wrong.

"Come on, Vivio, I'm trying to explain," Fate said pleadingly.

"No!" Vivio humphed. Nanoha looked up and saw that the blondes' expressions matched their voices: Fate had her puppy-dog eyes in full force and Vivio's cheeks were puffed out in her stubbornly-upset face.

"What happened?" Nanoha asked.

"Fate-mama is a criminal!" Vivio declared, pointing dramatically at Fate.

"Vivio!" Fate wailed.

"What did she do?"

"She was speeding!" the six-year-old declared. "We learned about it in school, how everybody needs to follow the rules of the road to make things safe for drivers, bicyclists, and pedes...peden...ped...walking people! But Fate-mama was driving _ten miles_ faster than it says on the signs all the way home!"

"Nanoha! Tell her!"

"I don't know, Fate-chan. You do like to drive fast."

"Nanoha!"

"Fair is fair," Nanoha said firmly. "Now, Vivio, Fate-chan isn't a criminal." She wondered for a moment how to explain the difference between a crime and a civil violation to a six-year-old. "The speed limit isn't a law like the ones that say not to steal, it's just a rule, like when your bedtime is."

"So Fate-mama's not a crook?"

Nanoha shook her head.

"No, she's not."

"But she _is_ a bad girl for breaking the rules!" Vivio decided.

"That's true. And you know, it's not fair if we let her get away with it." She crossed the kitchen and snatched the plate of freshly baked cookies out from under Fate's hand. "No snickerdoodles for bad girls!"

"But Nanoha!" Fate moaned.

Vivio tugged at Nanoha's apron.

"Do you think she's sorry, Nanoha-mama?"

"Good point. Fate-chan, I want you to think about what you've done, and if you can properly apologize after dinner, then you can have a cookie for dessert."

Vivio beamed, deciding that justice had been tempered with mercy and so all was well.

Nanoha promptly dissolved into a fit of laughter, which Fate really didn't appreciate. Particularly because it made her miss that the soup base was boiling over until it was too late and dinner—and therefore Fate's cookie!—got delayed by an extra hour.

~X X X~

_A/N: This was originally going to be the "Vivio's Magical Omake Theater!" for "Throwing Light on a Shadow," but ran too long, so it gets to be its own VHFMT! Short._


	32. Maybe This Time Next Year?

Lutecia Alphine sighed happily as she leaned back in the lounge chair, feeling the sun's rays wash across her. Wearing nothing but sunglasses and a black, race-cut one-piece bathing suit with violet trim the same shade as her hair, she could tell that she was getting looks from plenty of other beachgoers, but she didn't even have to worry about brushing off anyone who was interested enough to make inquiries. She could just lie back and soak up the sun and relax.

The reason she didn't have to worry about shooing off amorous admirers was that her girlfriend Vivio would do it for her. The seventeen-year-old blonde was very territorial when it came to her love life. Probably some of it came with the insecurity of dating a woman who was four years older. Not that she had anything to be insecure about, Lutecia thought. A sidealong glance at how Vivio filled out her blue-and-white bikini gave solid evidence of that. _Six months, two weeks, and four days_, she told herself while fighting down bad thoughts.

"Pardon me, miss, but the lady and gentleman at the bar sent this over."

Lutecia looked up at the bronze-skinned waiter standing over her with a tray. He handed down a bright orange cocktail, which she managed to keep from spilling.

"What lady and gentleman?" she asked.

The waiter pointed up at the tiki bar that fronted the beach. Lutecia followed his direction and saw Erio and Caro sitting together, the pink-haired summoner perched on her boyfriend's lap. Her friends waved at her, and she lifted the glass back at them, then raised the straw to her lips and took a sip.

"Hmm, not bad," she decided, liking the citrusy flavor.

"What's that called, Cia?" Vivio asked curiously.

Lutecia shrugged, taking another sip, so Vivio lifted her gaze to the waiter.

"It's a 'Sex on the Beach,' miss."

Lutecia sprayed alcohol all over herself in a classic spit-take.

"I like Caro and Erio," Vivio decided. "They have really good ideas."


	33. She Sette Her Up For That One

_A/N: This story is a prequel omake to Moczo's hilarious fic, "Ready, Sette, Go!" (Thanks for letting me borrow Sette, Moczo!) If you haven't read it yet, go do so. Right now. No, I'm serious!_

_Back? Okay, let's begin:_

~X X X~

My internal chronometer woke me and informed me that it was 06:47:11 with an automated signal. Possibly, I considered, it would be appropriate to reset the alarm for a round number of minutes, or at least a seconds figure that was a multiple of five. My elder sister Quattro would have encouraged such machine-like precision in my character. On the other hand, as Quattro had been sentenced to an indefinite term of imprisonment for a number of major felonies, it was also likely that my previous assumptions concerning her suitability as a determinant of personal conduct were inaccurate, at least to the extent that referencing her guidelines was improper in this circumstance.

Accordingly, I stood up and retrieved a piece of chalk from the small box of personal possessions I was allowed under the Conditions of Prisoner Habitat sections of the Penal Code. As expected, the few items within were in precisely the state I had left them. This had not always been the case. My cellmate, "Big Emiko" Honda, a career felon currently incarcerated on several counts of occasioning grievous bodily harm, had attempted to add petty theft to her list of offenses on our second day of cohabitation. Fortunately, I was able to convince her that obeying Penal Code Section 900-B concerning the private possessions of fellow prisoners was a life-enriching experience. I believe that I had made a positive contribution towards Prisoner E. Honda's rehabilitation, and the warden seemed to agree with me as she determined that no correctional action should be taken towards me despite my having broken both of my cellmate's arms during the course of the discussion.

With strokes as precise as I was capable of managing with the chalk, I began marking off the seventeen days during which I had been incarcerated thus far on the cell wall.

"Hey! You! Stop doing that!"

It was the prison guard outside my cell, a woman in her forties who, I had observed, consumed unhealthful quantities of fried foods. In my attempts to comply with what was expected from a "model prisoner," I had thoughtfully offered her some nutritional guidelines, but she did not seem to appreciate my gesture.

I ceased marking lines.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"What the hell is wrong with you? I've told you not to do that!"

"Yes, ma'am, you have."

I resumed marking the remaining four days.

"What the hell's wrong with you, you crazy robot?"

"The correct term is 'cyborg,' ma'am. Moreover, the use of profanity towards a prisoner is forbidden by Penal Code section 374-D," I observed helpfully. I have noticed that many people, and Guard Wanda in particular, do not retain memories of precise details as well as they should.

"Robot, cyborg, or talking toaster, I don't care! If you remember, then why the hell do you keep doing that every morning?"

"Because you wash the chalk off the wall every afternoon, and so I am required to start anew each day."

"Don't you think that maybe that's a clue that you shouldn't be doing that?"

"On the contrary, the Penal Code only categorizes the permanent defacement of a cell's structure as a punishable offense. Furthermore, fully eighteen of the twenty-three 'women in chains' films which Wendi provided to me as a 'cell-warming gift' feature at least one if not multiple occasions of a prisoner maintaining a similar record of their elapsed time of incarceration. Accordingly I have concluded that this is a social custom of some importance which I should follow. Nonetheless, I believe that it would be a more efficient and productive use of both of our time if you ceased cleaning the wall and I would only be required to mark one line each day. This would provide you more time for needed prisoner supervision, me more time to pursue rehabilitative activities, and also save on the cost of chalk and cleaning supplies."

I paused, feeling that something more was needed.

"I must compliment the staff of this facility, incidentally, as it is operated with much closer adherence to the relevant laws and regulations concerning prison management than those institutions shown in all twenty-three films to which I referred...Ma'am, it is unlikely to be healthful for you to repeatedly strike your forehead against the forcefield like that."


	34. A Strict Policy Benefits Everyone

_A/N: This is a Magic Librarian!Vivio omake set in RadiantBeam's Shadowverse...not that it particularly matters._

~X X X~

Vanidas Opel cursed under his breath as he sprinted through the corridors of the Infinity Library. This was definitely _not_ how he'd planned for this job to go! As one of the greatest acquisition specialists in all of dimensional space (he detested the term "thief"), he had not expected stealing a book from a library would be any kind of big deal. And indeed, locating the book and slipping it into his special stealth pack which blocked scrying spells as well as conventional alarm scanning had gone off well.

At that point the job had gone to hell in a handbasket.

Security staff had come after him. There had been shouts, pointed fingers, and even magical attacks fired! His primary and secondary routes of escape both had been cut off, which was why he found himself sprinting towards the reading room.

_It's all right_, he told himself. There were always quite a number of people in the reading room. _I'm not in line-of-sight of any of the people after me. I'll use my transformation magic to become someone else entirely, and since they can't scry the book, they'll lose me in the crowd._

The tall, lanky man who strolled out among the softly lit tables and racks of hardbound volumes did not look a thing like Opel had while he'd been slipping through the data-storage collection. He was completely safe from prying eyes and scrying magic.

He thought.

The red-haired woman in green library-staff uniform didn't seem to think so. She lowered her softly glowing hands and pointed directly at him.

"That one, Vivio!"

"Thanks, Vanya!"

Even as the blonde next to her leveled a cross-tipped staff towards him and he heard the sharp detonation of a cartridge loading did Opel realize his mistake. Scrying magic couldn't locate the book, true—but it _could_ detect the magic of his disguise. It was a transformation, not an illusion, so they couldn't see through to the underlying reality, but they didn't have to. It wasn't like anyone else in the reading room was going around transformed.

**"Sacred Heart."**

The buster spell was a thunderous roar swallowing Opel's senses and carrying him down into unconsciousness.

Vivio walked over to the sprawled figure and began to check him for the stolen book.

"I'm sorry for the interruption," Vanya Trabant said to the other readers, "but I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that the Infinity Library does require prompt payment of all late charges."

Four people scrambled towards the service desk as she smiled beatifically.


	35. To Her Heart Through Your Stomach

"Dinner's ready!"

Meals in the Yagami household were a happy occasion, as a rule. The Mistress of the Night Sky, Yagami Hayate, had grown up alone, and she loved nothing better than to be surrounded by her Guardian Knights—her "kids," as she called them. The Wolkenritter, for their part, had gone centuries knowing only pain and battle as the warriors of the corrupted Book of Darkness. The idea of family life was more like a dream to them, one they still couldn't quite believe was real.

That was most of the time.

Tonight, though, ten-year-old Hayate was having a sleepover with several of her school friends at the Bannings house. That meant that it was the eldest of the Wolkenritter, the blonde and buxom Shamal, who brought the dishes from the kitchen to the table.

"Y'know, it's not too late to order takeout, while we still have our stomach linings," childlike, red-haired Vita actually came out and said.

"Vita, that isn't nice," chided Signum. The elegant leader of the group, though, was not making any move towards the food. Indeed, the expression on her face was reminiscent of the look she got when preparing herself to take on a particularly daunting foe in battle. Vita, of course, did not miss this.

"Oh yeah? Well, let's see you dig in, o fearless leader."

Something happened then that an entire generation of warriors would have sworn was impossible: the Knight of the Sword flinched.

"That is...well, I..."

"Oh, not you _too_!" Shamal exclaimed. "I'd like to see how you'd have done, with unfamiliar recipes and ingredients and seasonings. This world's cooking is nothing like ancient Belka's! I'd expected Vita to be a brat about this, Signum, but you—"

"I'm sorry, Shamal, but the truth is your food was wholly inedible," her leader told her flatly. "Were we actually dependent on food for all of our energy, we could have been seriously incapacitated, to say nothing of the effect it would have had on Mistress Hayate. I agree that Vita's comments were a bit sharp, but you cannot blame me for being wary of your rather...explosive...efforts."

"I still don't get what that Montezuma guy Arisa mentioned had anything to do with it," Vita mumbled.

"You two are being ridiculous," Zafira cut in. The only male of the Wolkenritter was in his human form, which was somewhat unusual. He generally found his natural wolf shape more comfortable and was adept at using it to do things one would have thought required opposable thumbs. Arms did, however, give him enough reach to snatch a fajita off the tray without waiting for it to be passed. Without a hint of a pause, he bit down, chewed, and swallowed. "This is quite tasty, Shamal."

The blonde gave a happy little gasp.

"Zafira..."

"Are you sure about that?" Vita asked dubiously.

Signum reached for a fajita of her own.

"It doesn't seem quite believable, but..."

"Maybe he'd been spending so much time with Arf that her taste is rubbing off on him."

Zafira scowled.

"I never thought the two of you would be so addicted to making offensive comments that you would stoop to insulting additional people just so you could continue to mock Shamal," he chided. Vita winced, and Signum's eyes dropped.

"Sorry, Shamal," Vita mumbled. "That last crack went too far."

Signum nodded, though she hadn't actually said it.

"We did not mean to hurt your feelings."

Shamal sighed.

"I know. And I know I had some pretty serious incidents in the past, but...I'm really working hard to improve my cooking so I can help Hayate-chan. We're supposed to be the ones taking care of her, not the other way around! It's one thing when we accompany her on missions, but when we're living here and she's going to school normally, there's not much for us to do but make sure she has a comfortable home to come back to each day."

Signum nodded solemnly.

"I agree completely, and if those are your reasons I'm twice as sorry for doubting you and thinking of myself first."

"Yeah, me too. Sorry for being so snotty."

"Thank you," Shamal accepted their apologies. After all the time they'd been together, that was easy enough. "But, I really want to thank you, Zafira, for having faith in me without hesitation." She walked around the table to him, hugging him tightly and even gave him a quick kiss on top of his head.

Only when she'd spoken did he realize that she'd made a mistaken assumption, for there was no faith or trust involved in his decision. Even in human form his wolf's nose was much sharper than Signum's or Vita's and had given him all the information he'd needed. He'd been about to correct her and explain, but the softness of her arms around him convinced Zafira that it was better kept as his secret.

One of a man's most important skills, after all, was knowing when to keep his mouth shut.

~X X X~

_A/N: As those of you who are long-time readers of my stories already know, Shamal/Zaffy is my crack-pairing OTP. ^_-_

_About Shamal's cooking...it's definitely canon (_A's_ Sound Stage 1, Track 8, and _A's_ manga chapter 6), that she's Not Good At Cooking (Signum, of all people, is the one who calls it "explosive"). Even by _StrikerS_ Sound Stage 1, they're still giving her grief over it. Since the _A's_ Sound Stage track which introduces her poor cooking also indicates that she's getting better, I'm assuming that she does in fact improve to "adequate" and that later-in-time references are more of a running gag by which the others tease her instead of an actual reference to her still being bad for no apparent reason._


End file.
